Teach Them How to Say Goodbye
by MindAtWork
Summary: Life is pretty good in the Laurens-Hamilton house, it's certainly better than Alexander's life had any right to be. Things are solid, sturdy, but what happens when Philip has to help a friend go through the unimaginable. (Fourth Installment of the LYNITS 'Verse)
1. Chapter 1

**Welcome, old friends, and hello, new ones! For those of you just joining, please note that this is part four of the Like You Need it to Survive series and will not make sense as a standalone. Thank you all so much for reading, I hope that you enjoy! Reviews keep me going. I'm thirsty for praise.**

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"Ten years," I kissed his naked chest, "how the fuck have I conned you into staying married to me for ten fucking years?"

"The sex. Definitely the sex." He grinned.

"That's probably true." I nipped at his abs.

"I mean, I could ask the same question."

"Oh, your money for sure. I was born to be a trophy wife."

"You work too hard to be a trophy wife."

"Yeah, maybe."

"Can you just get on with it?" He gripped my sides.

"You're already ready again?" I lapped at his chest with my tongue and he panted, arching his back.

He made sounds of agreement.

I moved lower, tongue swirling his navel, he pushed me down lower, I giggled and nibbled at the base of his erection, nosing the patch of hair there, he keened, legs spreading wider. I licked the shaft, salty and sweet and still warm from our shower. I sucked at the veiny underside, his knees shot up and clamped my sides and he gripped the sheets. I looked up at his as I swallowed him whole.

He licked his lips, beautiful plane of his chest heaving, his abs tightening. I watched the show of his body and sucked his member, moaning around it as its length reached my throat.

"Christ, 'Lex." He dropped his hands to my shoulders and kneaded the flesh there, I could tell he wanted to bury his hands in my hair but was stopped by it being tied up in its bun. _No wet hair, no wet anything._

His hips rose to meet my mouth and I grinned a response as well I could.

"I want more. I want to feel you." He was whining.

That fucking whine got me every time, that blind, obvious need in his voice. I popped off his cock, leaving it wet and swollen. He looked at me with big, needy eyes.

"You want it so bad, huh?" I quirked an eyebrow at him.

He nodded, "so much, so much."

"What do you want, amante?" I growled into his neck.

"Oh, God, wanna be inside you."

"Beg,"

"Please, 'Lex, wanna bury myself inside you. Please, please. I need to feel you, tight and ready for me. Wanna screw you, hard, fast. Make you come, make you cry for it."

He didn't notice me opening myself as he spoke, his words were an aphrodisiac to me, they always had been. Words in general, even as a teenager I'd preferred erotic stories to porn, but fuck, listening to John's words, directed at me, about me, listening to him talk was practically enough to make me come untouched.

"Alex," he whimpered, dragging out each syllable.

"Wanna fuck me?" I quirked an eyebrow.

"Oh yeah, oh yeah."

I straddled him and he sat up against the pillows, I gripped his shoulders and lowered myself onto him, my head tilting back at the burn, at the stretch.

"God, you're so fucking big, Jack." I hooked my ankles behind his back and he fucked up into me.

"Alex, oh God, so tight, you're so tight, feels so good." he pressed his forehead against my chest and ran his teeth over my nipple hard enough for me to know he was up to something.

I made a less-than-adult-man squeal and pressed against him, needing more. I sat harder on him and leaned against his chest, aiming so that each of his strokes hit my prostate. He was still working my nipple, sucking it, tongue flicking out against it.

"Fucking hell." I clenched his hair by the root and pulled on it, guiding his mouth, he yelped at the sensation and moaned, I loved it when he let a little bit of pain be a turn on, his hair being pulled almost always was.

I liked pain, I always wanted more of it, some self-deprecating part of me felt that it was justified, deserved and I longed for it. I loved it when John was in the mood to be rough and just take me, it was something we'd been honing over the last decade, and we'd finally found it, an effort to keep things exciting.

"You like that?" he moved his lips to my ear.

"Yeah," I breathed.

He kept thrusting up into me as he spoke.

"You like being screwed like this?"

"Yeah, yeah, like to be your toy, be your slut." I rested against his shoulder, pleasure blinding me.

"And you're so good at it. So good for me. You like being good for me?"

"I like to be bad for you." I picked my head up and stared him down.

"Is that so?"

I nodded, "slap me?"

"No." He shook his head and kissed my shoulder.

"Please," I begged, knowing the answer.

"No." He sank his teeth into my shoulder, and I moaned from low in my throat, the pain offered release and I came hard on him.

He held my hips down and rocked back and forth, getting his friction, he came, using me. I stayed there for a few minutes, both of us panting, sweating. Finally, I trusted my legs and got up, cleaning myself.

"I need another goddamn shower." I was sweaty and grimy.

"I'll join you." He smirked.

I followed him to the bathroom and stared at myself in the mirror while he warmed the shower. My shoulders and chest were dotted with purpling bruises in little crescents from John's teeth, the delicate skin around my nipple was raspberried. I looked at my face, worry lines on my forehead, my goatee, the corner by my chin graying just a touch, it matched my temples.

"You ready?" John pulled me into the shower.

He looked just like he had the day I met him, the creases in the corners of his eyes only a little deeper, they told the story of our lives together, lots of smiling, lots of laughing.

"What?" He asked, running his soapy hands over himself, "you're staring."

"How are you so beautiful?"

He blushed and looked away, "stop," he was giggling nervously.

"No, you are, I mean it. You're the most beautiful man I've ever known. Everything about you."

He looked at me and stared at my chest, he chewed at his lip, "was I too rough tonight?" He touched one of the purple marks under my collarbone.

"Fuck no, I'ma wear these like a badge of honour. You were sexy as fuck tonight."

He ran his tongue over his teeth, "yeah?"

"Oh, yeah." I helped him wash his back and kissed the tender spot under his ear.

We dried off and curled up in bed, putting on Jurassic Park to fall asleep to, mostly since John thought the raptors were cute. I rubbed his thigh lazily and he played with my fingers, my hand reaching up for his, his arm under my head.

"What do you think Philip is doing right now?" John asked.

I looked at the time, it was after one in the morning, "knowing what I know he's either been asleep for five hours or he and Lafayette are up baking cookies."

"That's… shoot, those are both good guesses. It could really go either way with Laf."

We watched people on Isla Nubar get attacked by dinosaurs and cuddled, still finding new ways to tangle closer to each other.

"Good anniversary, querido?" I curled closer to him.

"Definitely in the top ten." He winked at me.

"You're such a punk." I rolled into his chest, draping an arm over him, fitting my head into the swell of his chest. I closed my eyes, tracing over his abs.

"Alex!" He squealed, I startled and stared at him, not realizing I'd fallen asleep.

"What's the matter?"

"Look at the babies!" He pointed to the television, baby velociraptors were hatching from their eggs.

"You really fuck me like you did earlier and then squeal at baby dinosaurs like that?" I rolled my eyes.

"They're really cute." He argued.

"You've seen this a million times." I yawned.

He shrugged and I let my hair down, finally dry enough to tolerate it on my skin. John twisted it around his fingers, a comforting sensation. I fell back asleep.

John slipped away from me in the morning, I woke up and stretched, finding sweatpants to put on, he slung his gym bag over his shoulder and kissed me goodbye.

"Want to get a swim in before work. Love you!" I kissed him again.

I worked in my office, draining a pot of coffee, it was time to get Philip from school. I couldn't wait until next year when he would start middle school, his new school just down the street. He came out of the school and just handed me his backpack. He sat on the bench while we waited for the bus, digging the toe of his converse into the ground.

"Rough day, Pip?" I asked him.

He nodded.

"What happened, hijo?"

He sighed heavily, "Thea's mom is really sick. She's so sad. I can't make it better." He sounded so grown up, worry creasing his brow.

"Sick with what?" I asked, tucking hair that had come loose from his ponytail.

"She said it was like some cancer, but I think lots of people have cancer and they're fine, right?"

"Lots of people are just fine." I wondered if John knew about Theodosia's illness.

The bus arrived and drowned out our conversation with the sound of hydraulics, we got on the bus and found our seats.

"Papi, can I use your phone?" He patted my knee, pulling me out of the case that I was running through in my mind.

"Oh, sure, everything okay?" I handed him my phone from the pocket of my messenger bag.

"Yeah, I just have some research to do." He leaned back against the window of the bus, swinging his feet into my lap.

I shook my head, _how did I have such a bright kid?_ John. John was the answer, he always was.

Philip kept his nose in my phone for the duration of the ride. I took my phone back when we got to our stop.

"Learn anything good?" I asked him.

He slipped his hand in mine as we walked, that was happening less and less, I savoured it.

"I guess some cancer is when your body doesn't do a good job of making cells, that's the stuff people are made out of, like our ingredients, and it makes the wrong kind and your body hurts itself instead of making it better. Is that right?"

I thought it over, "pretty much, yeah."

"And they sometimes put some medicine in your body and it helps it remember how to only make good cells. Is that right?"

I nodded and he kept prattling on, having processed a ridiculous amount of information on our short ride home. John was sitting on the oversized chair in the living room, legs tucked up in front of him, sketchbook in hand, his tongue flicked out in concentration.

"Go make yourself a snack, hijo." I squeezed his shoulder and went to sit on the ottoman in front of John.

He set his sketchbook down, pencils clattering on the table, "everything okay?"

"You talked to Theodosia recently?" I asked him, settling my hands on his thighs.

"Shit, she had that appointment yesterday. Why?"

"Pip told me it's bad."

John looked at the floor. Theodosia hadn't been feeling well for a while, it was bad enough that even Burr and I put aside our differences at work. He was struggling. I thought back to after John hurt his knee a few years ago, not even Burr should feel that way.

"I'll call her." He went upstair and Philip came into the living room with a peanut butter and banana sandwich, he had peanut butter in his hair.

"How do you manage to do this every time?" I got a paper towel from the kitchen and wiped his hair.

He giggled at me, "sorry."

"Hey, so tell me about Thea, did she say anything else?"

"Mostly she was just crying. I'm really worried about her, pop." He took a bite of his sandwich and chewed it thoughtfully.

I tried to reassure him, _this was John's territory,_ so we discussed how cancer worked and what could be done to treat it. John appeared on the staircase and shot me a grimace over Philip's shoulder. It was bad.

"Hey, Pip?" John crouched beside Philip and I, looking up at him.

"What's up, daddy?"

"Hey, I think Thea's gonna come stay with us for a day or two, how does that sound?"

Philip's eyes lit up, "yeah, yeah, yeah, then I can make her happy."

"Aaron's going to bring her over in a little bit." John told me.

"We should give him dinosaur chicken nuggets!" Philip decided.

"What? Why?" John stared at Philip.

"Because when you were hurt real bad papi got us dinosaur chicken nuggets and we were happy, now Miss Theodosia is in the hospital and so Mister Burr is probably real sad, but we can help him be more happy!"

"Dinosaur chicken nuggets?" John side-eyed me and I shrugged.

"You're the one that got hospitalized, not my fault we were left to forage the wilds."

"Pip, please go straighten up the playroom, okay?" John encouraged Philip.

He dropped his plate off in the sink and went to clean up his room. John chewed at his cheek and stared at me.

"It's not good, is it?"

"It's everywhere, Alex, in her bones, in her lungs, in her ovaries, it's travelling her spinal cord."

"Shit." I sighed.


	2. Chapter 2

**Guys, thank you so much for continuing to follow me on the journey through this 'verse. It means the world to me. Shadow and Paggers, your reviews as always are so thought out, I am so grateful for them. I AM A PHILIP, I always look forward to hearing from you, and Chicago? Man, I love Chicago! I was in Chi town when I wrote the first few chapters of part three. Tell that city hi for me. Thanks for being here, y'all. Hope you enjoy!**

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Philip helped clear the empty plates from dinner while Thea picked at the chipping, pink glittery polish on her nails. Her hair was neatly braided into tight rows against her head, beads on the length of her hair clacked together when she looked around.

"You guys want to watch a movie?" John suggested.

Philip nodded enthusiastically, whereas Thea just shrugged.

"...or we could play a board game?" John offered.

"Movie's fine." Thea's voice was far off.

"Fun. You guys pick, Alex, you want to help them, I'll get some snacks?"

"Yup." I escorted the two kids to the living room and Thea sat on the edge of the oversized chair and stared at the area rug, _poor kid._

Philip _helped_ me work the remote, as he grew more independent he'd started deciding that John and I were incompetent in most tasks.

"You can pick what we watch." Philip told Thea.

"Don't care." She shrugged.

"Do you like… um… Wreck It Ralph? Moana? Bug's Life? Frozen?"

She shrugged again.

"I like Moana. She has to be really brave, maybe it will help you be brave. It's my pops' favourite, too."

I winked at him and let him que it up, he beamed at me. John came in with a tray of popcorn and Capri Suns for the kids, he settled against me on the couch, slinging an arm around me on the back of the sofa. Philip set the remote on the ottoman and sat in the big chair next to Thea. She sighed heavily and Philip snuggled up against her. He offered her his hand as the movie started.

"I'm kind of cold." Thea whimpered softly.

Philip's eyes lit up, "she needs the magic hoodie!"

"We have blankets, I'm sure she doesn't want a million year old hoodie." I reached behind me for a throw blanket.

"Wh-what makes it magic?" She looked at me with knit eyebrows.

"It makes your sadness disappear when you wear it, it's about space which is the coolest thing ever, and it's really soft and cozy! Do you wanna wear it?"

She nodded slowly and I squeezed John's thigh, running upstairs to our closet to retrieve the now faded and stretched out NASA hoodie that I'd commandeered at the start of our relationship. I wouldn't say that it was imbued with magic, but it was something of a panacea. I returned downstairs and handed the garment to the little Burr. She thanked me and slipped it over her head and tucked her knees up into it. She gave Philip a little half smile. _Progress._

"Can you feel the magic?" He asked her.

"Sort of." She nodded.

I curled back up with John and played with his hair, humming along to the songs that I _unashamedly_ had liked since even before we'd had Philip. The kids fell asleep, Philip's head on Thea's shoulder, her head on top of his. John took a picture before disturbing them.

"Hey, guys, let's go to bed."

Philip yawned and stretched.

"'Lex, you take Pip?" He asked me.

"Yup." I knew he'd be better at settling Thea, and Philip and I went upstairs after saying our goodnights.

"Think everything's gonna be okay?" Philip asked while brushing his teeth.

"Sure hope so, but please brush your teeth in the bathroom."

"Sorry," he drooled and went back to the bathroom.

He put on his pajamas and I followed him to his room to tuck him in, "te amo, love you, love you lots."

He put a hand on my cheek, "night, papi, te amo, love you, love you more."

I kissed his forehead and shut the door behind me.

John met me in the hallway and blew out a breath.

"That bad, huh?"

"It's not good. You coming to bed?" He asked.

"I gotta work, shirked some shit off this evening, gotta get it done."

He nodded and hugged me tightly, his empathy radiating off of him. This was what John did, when there was a crisis he sprang into action. I knew that he was worried about his friend… _Even I was._

I got to work, pouring myself a cup of coffee from the coffee maker that I kept in the corner of my office. I pecked away at my keyboard, I heard the stairs creak hesitantly and Thea's little head peeked around the door.

"Mr. Alexander?"

"Hey, pequeña, are you okay?" I looked at her, she still wore John's hoodie, dwarfed by it.

"Um, yeah, do… are most people okay when they have surgery?"

"You can come in here if you want."

She slipped inside and I offered her the seat across from my desk, moving Philip's legos out of her way on the desk.

"Most people are just fine when they have surgery."

"My mama has to have surgery tomorrow."

"Yeah, you feeling scared?"

She nodded.

"It is pretty scary. Philip ever tell you about when his dad got hurt a few years ago?"

"I remember."

"He was really scared… guess what?" I leaned forward.

"What?" She asked, her brown doe eyes boring into mine.

"I was really scared, too."

"You were?"

"Oh, yeah, super scared, but everything's okay now. It's okay to get scared. Everyone gets scared sometimes."

"Yeah. They have to put a whole bunch of stuff in my mama, chemother-something."

"Chemotherapy is drugs that the doctors can put in your body to help kill the cancer and help make your mama healthy again."

"Will it work?"

" I hope so."

"Yeah, me, too."

"Can I do anything to help you sleep? Get you anything?"

"I'm too sad and nervous to sleep. Sometimes if my daddy's working at the kitchen table he lets me sit by him if I sometimes can't sleep. I'm good at being quiet. Can I sit by you?"

"Yeah, sure. You want a blanket or something?"

"No, I'm okay. I just don't really like to be alone when I can't sleep."

"Okay, yeah, that's fine. You just let me know if you need anything."

I kept working and she put together a few of the legos and took them back apart. It was too late. I'd wanted to be in bed with John hours earlier, and she'd be desperately tired in the morning, in three hours.

"Alright, kid. We both need to try and get some sleep, just try, okay?"

She nodded, "okay. Thanks for letting me sit."

"No problem."

I took her back downstairs and got her situated before finally crawling in bed. I tucked my glasses on my side table and took one of my pillows back from John who faced away from me. I curled against his back, kissing the soft fabric of his t-shirt where it clung to his shoulder blade and molded myself around him, siphoning his warmth.

"What time is it?" He mumbled.

"Late. Sleep, querido."

He threw his head over his shoulder for a goodnight kiss. I smiled and returned the kiss, a quick peck before he was sleeping again. I nuzzled at his back, smelling his scent mingling with our laundry detergent. My mind was on Burr. We'd been close since law school, both non-traditional students. He was a strong student, we were intellectual equals. We had our babies near the same time. We both had lived in fear that we would lose our spouse. Burr and I were on the same playing field in so many domains. I felt stupid for comparing what I went through when John was in the hospital to Theodosia's situation, but the fear that I felt was real.

Burr always harboured jealousy for me, for my accomplishments, for my making partner at the firm that we worked at in only three years. For our buying a big house while they still lived in an apartment. I could never understand him, he talked about wanting these things, but he never did it. He was a smart man, a domestically dedicated one, but he never held any particular opinions on much else, I couldn't understand that, his jarring lack of conviction. That aside, he had to be feeling afraid. Theodosia's diagnosis was almost a certain death sentence.

I held tighter to John and fell asleep grateful that I wasn't in Burr's situation.

In the morning, Thea fell right in to the frenzy of our morning routine. The kids sat at the breakfast bar eating yogurts and sharing a banana while John fixed Philip's hair. I worked on lunches for John and the kids, assembling bags of leftover pizza, oranges, mini cheese wheels, tucking napkin notes into each lunch bag, going unnoticed.

"Alright, guys," John pulled his sportcoat on, "are we ready?"

"Ready!" Philip stood at the door.

"Yup." Thea nodded, sleep did little to improve her outlook. Fear and sadness were painted on her face.

John kissed me and they were out the door.

I got to work, figuring that the most useful that I could be to anyone was getting as much done as possible, taking a load off of Burr's shoulders at the firm and being able to be present at home tonight when everyone returned.

I worked at a frantic pace, knowing that four would come quickly. John texted me after lunch.

 **Surgery over… after school im taking Thea to see her ate the hospital, can you get Pip?**

 ***at**

I responded.

 **Sounds like a plan. I'll see you at the school. Any word on how the surgery went?**

 **not as well as they hoped**

 **Damn.**

I worked until it was time to pick Philip up and rode the bus to his and Thea's school. I waited outside with John in the late Spring breeze. He kept an arm around me.

"How are you holding up, love?" I asked him, trying to make the moment private among the juxtaposition of white moms in Lululemon tracksuits and brown nannies waiting to pick up their kids or their charges around us.

"I'm worried about her," he admitted, "a lot more of it was inoperable than they thought. Best chance is to zap her to high heaven with chemo and radiation. Not looking good, Alex."

I sighed and leaned my head on his shoulder.

The kids came out of school and chased each other to us, backpacks swinging side to side as they ran, "I miss that." John grinned as they picked up speed toward us. I squeezed his arm, hoping it seemed empathetic.

Philip pulled just ahead and grabbed the hem of John's sportcoat right as Thea reached out for me. They both panted.

"Rotten egg." Philip teased playfully.

"Not on opposite day!" She argued.

"This isn't opposite day. Hi dad. Hi pops."

"Hey, buddy, you need a drink?" John wrestled his water bottle out of the side pocket of his backpack.

Philip gulped at the water.

Thea mustered up courage, "how's my mama?"

John and I pulled her to the side and sat her on a bench in the green space outside the school. John crouched in front of her, knees cracking as he did.

"She did a great job in her surgery. The doctors couldn't get all the bad parts out, but hey, we knew that would probably happen. She was really brave and strong though, and she's awake and guess who she's been asking to see."

"Me?" Thea chewed at her thumbnail, even less of the pink glittery polish was intact.

"Of course, who else do you think she'd wanna see? You want me to take you?"

She nodded, "yes, please."

"We'll see you back at the house, guys." I stroked John's cheek while Philip gave Thea a rallying hug and then I led Philip toward our bus stop.

"Tell me how it really is, pop." Philip sounded a million years older and wiser than he had any right to be.

"We told you guys the truth, they couldn't take out all of the tumours, the bad spots, but they got what they could."

"Probably she's going to die?" Philip looked up at me, his eyes swam with tears.

"We can't know, hijo. All we can do is hope."


	3. Chapter 3

**Sorry for the delay, friends, that whole real life thing getting in the way again. Thank you for your support. I hope you enjoy. Get your tissues ready. ;)**

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"Is it bad that they aren't back yet?" Philip asked me as I stirred the boiling pot.

"Nah, Thea just wants to spend some time with her mama."

"Is she going to live with us if her mama dies?"

I set the spoon down on the stovetop and turned to face him, sitting at the breakfast bar.

"Well, first off, that's a pretty big if, but, no, she's still got her dad." I leaned over the counter.

He looked contemplative, but nodded, going back to his homework.

Finally, John and Thea walked in. Thea's spirits seemed a little higher. I dished out bowls of spaghetti and salads, the kids settled around the table and John pulled me into the back garden, the cool night air bristling us.

"What's wrong?" I asked him.

He hugged me, dropping his head against my shoulder, "it's really bad, Alex. Really, really bad."

I nodded slowly and rubbed John's back, wishing I could do anything to ease his pain, struck with empathy, knowing that if he was hurting this much over it, Thea and Burr had to be even worse off.

"What happened?"

He picked his head up and looked at me, his eyes were grey and sad, "she has, like, no white cells. Her body isn't healing. She isn't even a transplant candidate like this, and they don't think that they can even start chemo until her count's up. It's only a matter of time."

"Fuck," my fingers twitched for a long forgotten cigarette.

"Yeah."

"How much does Thea know?"

"She knows that Theodosia is really sick. I don't think she knows… that she's not gonna make it."

I nodded, trying to make a game plan, "do we tell her? Does Burr want her back? What do we do?"

He threw his hands up and they dropped heavily on his thighs, "he asked if we'd keep her for awhile, y'know, still take her for visits, but I think he's still trying to figure everything out."

"Fuck, I'm going to get so slammed at work."

"Alex," he chided that that was where my mind went.

"I know. I know. Just… it's true."

He squeezed me to him, "I know, I hate it when you have to work extra."

"Well, and since next week you're-"

"-Damn, I'm out of town next week. Crap. We'll figure it out." He pressed his lips into a thin line.

I tipped his chin down and kissed him, "we always do."

We went back inside, the table was abandoned, Philip's bowl was empty, Thea's hardly touched. The kids were curled up into the chair in the living room, Thea's shoulder shook quietly, her face buried against Philip. Philip rested his chin on her shoulder and patted her back, whispering something that neither John nor I could hear. John reached out and clutched my hand, the scene before us too heartwrenching to not seek out human contact. I rubbed the back of his hand with my thumb and he cleared his throat.

Philip looked up at us, a mask of worry clinging to his face as his friend sobbed against him. John squeezed my hand and let it go and took a seat on the ottoman. I stood still, not sure where to go, how I could possibly make this better. I silently retreated upstairs to my office and shut the door, I slid my back down the wall and felt my breath catch. It happened faster than my mind could make sense of. I leaned against the cold wall, feeling the chill of the plaster through my sweatshirt.

I pulled my knees up against my chest and buried my face in the crevice between them, couldn't catch a full breath, panting in little wheezes, drowning in panic. My fingers drummed on my shins and I tapped my toes, clinging to the metronome of the tapping, the speed of my pulse, to anything that I could use to ground myself. So sick. _So sick. So powerless. So little._

 _Why are you sick, mami?_ A question that lingered through the sands of time. A question met always with, _I don't know, Alex, love._ So much hope, because _God doesn't make mistakes._ So many questions that never got their answer, so many questions written in the book of my life, words waterlogged, bleeding ink, washed out to sea, floating in standing water - water filled with disease, water harbouring parasites and insects to make you sick - never getting their answer. So sick, _both of us so sick._

My hands found the drawer pull to the bottom compartment of my desk and I retrieved the bottle of whiskey I kept there. The burn was a friend on my mouth as familiar and comforting as John's own lips. I took another deep gulp. That goddamned sensation of water on my face, _this is drowning, this is drowning, this is drowning._ I gasped and placed myself in time and space. _Home. Our home. My good life. Loved. Safe. Dry. Home. Philip. John. Together. Safe._ As I took in my surroundings: _the New York brownstone, where thirty-six year old Alexander lived his blissful upper class life, where most days John could be heard upstairs through the vent singing while he developed his beautiful photographs, where Philip made up poems and songs while playing in his room,_ I realized that the only salty spray of ocean water hitting my face had come from my own eyes and I jerked my glasses over my ears and pawed at my face with my sleeve.

Slowly, I stilled my breathing, it settled, catching some feeling of normal to hold onto. I ran a hand over my face again, twirling the scruff at my chin and took another swig from the bottle. I panted as hard as if I'd run a mile, sweat clung to my neck and under my arms leaving me chilly on the hardwood floor. Time was immaterial to me, I took another pull from the bottle and nestled it back in my desk, far from drunk, but enough to sand down the sharp, cutting edges of my mind.

Who was I to feel like this? How was that fair? My memories belonged to a little boy decades away from this moment. I wasn't the little girl downstairs in the throes of premeditated grief, I wasn't the little boy who'd never know the mother who bore him, I wasn't the man who'd had an idyllic life of love and compassion replaced with busted lips and black eyes. I was just _me._ Living with my foot clenched in the bear trap of the past, how dare I?

A soft knock at the door roused me from my self-deprecation.

I cleared my throat, "yeah?"

John opened the door and peered over my desk to see me, shriveled around myself. He crossed my desk and sat with me.

"Can I touch you?" he asked, holding his arm out awkwardly.

I nodded, and he wrapped his arm around my shoulders, pulling me into him, he stroked my hair.

"Panic attack?"

I nodded again, not trusting my own voice.

He chewed at his cheek, wearing his concern so much like Philip, "I wondered where you went."

"Sorry for dipping out."

"It's okay, babe. I got this."

"I know you do. I'm sorry you do… Are you okay?"

He nodded, curls bouncing from where they framed his face.

"Worried about Theodosia? Thinking about your mom? What's up?"

He shrugged, "a little of both. I don't know. I don't want these kids to go through stuff like this. We've worked so hard to give Pip a better life than we had."

I leaned into his side, "I think we have given him a better life than we had. Death comes for everyone, we can either run or let it be, but it still comes. Shitty, but it's life. Pip needs to know that, too. We're honest with him, we've always been real with him. This shit's no different."

The breath that he blew out was sweet and warm on my face, I kissed the tip of his nose and he spoke, "you're right, you're always right. I'm taking the little people out for ice cream, 'cause when your mom is dying, you get ice cream. It's the rules."

I smirked at how different our experiences were, glad that things had been harder on me, that nothing had been quite as bad for John. I could handle it, but he was pure and perfect, I wanted nothing to ever hurt him badly enough to change that… to change him. Callous and bitter looked far more appealing on me than it could ever look on him.

"Did you get a chance to eat, querido?" I stared into his eyes.

"Nah, it'll still be there. You didn't either. You want to come with us? Ice cream is also the best medicine after a panic attack. I was almost a doctor once, remember? I know things."

I chuckled at him, his persuasion working, "I'd love to."

He grinned and I helped him up, pulling him to his full height. I smoothed my clothing and put my glasses back on, we descended the stairs and found the kids colouring together.

"A'ight Pipster, Thea, we ready to roll?" John asked, pulling on his Chucks.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah!" Philip tossed his coloured pencil into the colouring box.

Even Thea seemed excited, maybe John was right that you need ice cream when your mom is dying, I chuckled to myself, that's it, that's my problem, there was no ice cream for me.

The four of us walked together down the street, John and I strolling, lagging behind, Philip and Thea leading the way, giggling with each other and showing off for each other, hopping on one foot, walking backwards, being silly, being kids. We made it to the ice cream shop and ordered. Thea and Philip waited eagerly in a booth and John and I brought them their cups of ice cream.

I leaned over and stole a bite from John's cone, butter pecan, syrupy sweet, the perfect southern cliche.

"Hey!" he gasped at me, personally affronted by my attack on his ice cream, "what kind of monster bites ice cream anyway? Your poor teeth! You guys see this?" He held his cone out to the kids who giggled uproariously.

"Yours tastes better." I shrugged and wiped my goatee of butterscotch.

"Oh, is that right?"

"It's science." I drove a hard bargain.

"Hmm," He leaned over and slurped the top of my cone, his eye contact didn't miss me, the flirtatious glance through his lashes, little devil, "I think you're onto something. Yours is way better than mine."

"What a punk! This guy, am I right?" I pointed at John and rolled my eyes at the kids who giggled at us.

Thea reached over the table and drove her spoon into Philip's cup with lightning speed and stuck it into her mouth, striking like a bird of prey. Philip's mouth hung on a broken hinge as he stared at us.

"Yours _is_ better, Pippy!" She giggled, her face lighting up, split into a grin, eyes glittering like her father's after a victory in the courtroom.

Philip smirked and tried to pull off the same maneuver, but she held her cup protectively, "hey!" he whined, "no fair, jerk!"

"Get faster, loser!" She rolled her eyes and ate a bite of her ice cream.

Philip glowered at her. She let out an exasperated sigh and fed him a bite of ice cream off her spoon.

"Hey, that's pretty good." He laughed.

"Oh, hush. You didn't earn it. I just felt sorry for you."

"Don't care, still got ice cream from you."

She stuck her tongue out at him.

While we waited on the kids to finish up John got a text and checked his phone, his face falling into seriousness. He put on a smile and looked at Thea, pocketing his phone.

"Hey, kiddo, how about we go see your mama?" He tried to sound casual.

"Can we come?" Philip looked at me.

I wrinkled up my face and shook my head, "nah, hijo. Let Thea and daddy go. They'll be back."

It was late, it was a school night, if Burr wanted John to bring Thea up to the hospital then it was bad. I ran the top of my foot over the back of John's calf and gave him a half smile. He nodded and shared a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes.

"Finish up, guys." I instructed, holding John's hand over the table.


	4. Chapter 4

**Sorry... Kind of... Y'all know I'm thirsty for comments. Give me love... or I mean, after this chapter I suppose I'm deserving of a little bit of hate.**

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I could feel it, I'd finally fallen asleep. I was trying to stay up for John but had lost the battle. The door creaked open, I stirred and waited for him to come to me, to hold him tightly to me and thank the universe that I wasn't in Burr's position. I heard the rain falling outside, beating at the window, a heavy spring shower, this made me stir. He got in bed, his body too light, this roused me fully. Philip was lying beside me, tucking himself into the blankets.

"Shh, papi, go back to sleep. I just need cuddles, daddy and Thea aren't home yet and I can't fall asleep," he stroked my goatee, and I cuddled him close to me, tucking him under my arm.

I made my voice work, gravelly with sleep as it was, "you haven't slept? What time is it?" I rolled over to check the clock, it was after two in the morning, "Pip, why didn't you wake me sooner, hijo?"

He shrugged in my arms, "I just been waiting."

I groaned and stretched, squeezing him tighter, wishing it just wasn't fucking raining, "let's call your daddy, yeah?"

He nodded, kicking a leg over me as I rolled over to retrieve my phone and illuminated it, glaring against the light. I called John. No answer. Philip made a small noise and clung tighter to me. A few minutes passed and the sound of my phone ringing filled the dark room, cutting out the sound of the rain. I answered quickly.

"Amante?"

He let out a shaky breath into the phone, the gusting sound hurt my ear, "I'm on my way home."

"Just you?"

He sniffed, "yup. Aaron and Thea are… they're going home."

"Oh, querido, I'm sorry." I sighed, knowing what the statement meant.

"Daddy?" Philip reached for the phone, I put it on speaker.

"Hi, baby," John sniffed again.

"Daddy are you sad?" He held the phone in his little hands.

"Yeah…" He blew out another breath.

"Did it happen? Did miss Theodosia die?" He was already crying, I held him tighter in the darkness.

"Yes, baby. She did."

"Is Thea coming back to our house?"

"Not tonight, sweetheart. She's going home with her daddy."

"But he can come, too. We have to make it better. We have to hug them." He was sobbing and gave me the phone back.

"We'll see you when you get home. Be careful, I love you." I told him.

"I love you guys. See you soon." The line disconnected and I sat up to turn on the lamp and leaned against the headboard, pulling Philip - all arms and legs, almost too big to fit - into my lap, he curled around himself like a treefrog and sobbed into my shoulder, nearly screaming with grief.

His breathing was ragged, flecks of spittle shook loose from his mouth as he talked, tears raining down his cheeks, rolling to the point of his chin before dropping like condensation off stalactites, "she doesn't have a mama, she needs to have a mama! Papi, my heart, it's broken into little bits... I need to hug Thea. I want Thea! How is it ever gonna be okay? It's gonna hurt and hurt. Hurt forever! Papi…"

I took his arms into my hands and pulled him back, "Philip, hijo, come on, breathe. Breathe for me, big strong breaths."

He breathed in a gasp, shuddering as he did, his little nostrils flaring, his cheeks burned red, his voice was smaller as he calmed down, "papi… she needs a mama."

"I know. I know. But it will be okay. She'll be okay. I know it hurts so bad right now, but she's going to be okay."

It rained on outside.

Beating on the window.

 _Everything wet._

I held Philip against me, rocking him as he cried.

 _Rained for days._

 _Fucking hell, Alexander, pull it together. Pull it together. Keep your shit together._ I let out a breath and nodded to the voice inside myself, clutched my boy tighter to me.

"Papi, you're sad, too." Philip wiped my cheeks.

"Yup." I nodded and kissed the top of his head.

"How can it ever be okay again? How do you know it's ever gonna be okay again?"

"Paciencia y fe, mi hijo."

"I know patience, but what's 'y fe?'"

"And faith, patience and faith."

"What's that mean?"

"We know it's going to be okay as long as we're patient, it will be okay eventually, we just have to have faith that it will be. Paciencia y fe."

"But, I don't want to be patient, papi!"

"I know," I kissed his head again.

He cried himself out and leaned into my chest, soaking my tank top with his tears, stroking the coarse hair of my goatee. I watched the rain hit the window and felt the grief vicariously. The front door opened and I heard John kick off his wet shoes, he mounted the creaky staircase, crossing the threshold of our bedroom wet as a dog, he gave us a sad smile, cheeks puffy and eyes swollen as he disappeared into the closet to change.

I welcomed him into bed, his hair now tied up on his head, I smiled at his consideration. He found his place at my side and we held Philip between us.

"Was it very sad?" Philip asked him.

"It was." He stroked our boy's hair and leaned on my shoulder, I kissed his temple.

John held Philip's hand, inspecting his little fingers.

"Was it sadder than when your mama died?"

"It was a different kind of sad."

"How about when your dad died?"

"Still a different kind of sad."

"Yeah, 'cause you had a mean dad."

"I love you." I whispered like a secret, into John's ear, he gave a half smile.

I jumped at a crash of lightning and John took a hand off of Philip and squeezed my thigh just above my knee, I nodded, letting him know I was okay. _I'm okay, goddammit, not doing this shit right now._ I argued and bargained with the anxiety chewing at me.

"Will Thea get a new mama?" Philip asked, looking between us.

"That's up to her dad." I told him.

"I hope so… she really liked her mama. She loved her. Like how I love you guys." This thought made the crying start again, he turned into John and sobbed. I held them both, ignoring the drips from the loose baby curls at the nape of John's neck on my bare arm.

"She was a good friend." John sighed, his tears were silent, I swiped under his eye.

"She meant a lot to you." I agreed.

"'Lex, can you make me some tea?" He winced at the request, I knew he thought he was asking too much as he laced his fingers behind Philip's back.

"You got it, querido. Pip, you want anything?"

"Chocolat chaud… Like how Uncle Laf makes it."

"I can't make it like him, I'll do my best." I slipped out of bed and down the stairs, heating the kettle with enough water for drinks for both of them.

I heard their hushed voices upstairs and wondered how we were ever going to make it through this night. I resented Theodosia, a dead woman, for making my son experience death. This wasn't supposed to happen, not to my boy. Mother's dying was something that belonged in my narrative, in mine and John's past, not our boy's. I ran a hand through my hair and thanked the distraction of the whistling kettle. I poured the water into two mugs and stirred a packet of hot chocolate into one and dropped a tea bag into the other. The smell of chocolate and peppermint and chamomile filled the air, swirling in the steam rising off their mugs. I carried them back upstairs. John smiled at me, his eyes dropping to Philip and back at me, he'd fallen asleep. I nodded and handed John his mug before settling in next to them.

"Thank you, babe." John whispered.

I nodded a 'your welcome' and took a sip of Philip's hot chocolate, someone might as well drink it.

"Dammit…" John sighed.

"Yup."

He sipped his tea, "dammit, dammit."

"Yup."

"How are you doing?" He was tired, he was sad, both evident in the southern drawl slipping out.

I took a deep breath and let out a small chuckle, "sure fucking wish it would stop raining."

"I thought about that." He knit his brows together.

"Shit happens."

"Yeah,"

"I don't want this for him. For Thea. Fuck, I don't want this for Burr…" I stared out the window, watching the rain, "if I… I don't know what I'd… I can't imagine…" I couldn't bring myself to say the words out loud.

"I'm not going anywhere, Alex. I'm not. I promise."

I nodded, still watching the rain, making sure it stayed outside, making sure we stayed safe and at a distance from each other. John leaned into me again. Philip stirred and I rubbed his back. John hummed to him, a song I thought I might have recognized.

Philip settled and snored lightly as John turned to fully singing, softly, silent tears clinging to his lashes, "here it was they lit the flame, here they sang about tomorrow and tomorrow never came. From the table in the corner, they could see a world reborn…" I listened to him sing to our sleeping boy, to himself.

I held both of them and kissed John's neck, anything to make this better. John sighed and drained his mug.

We sat in silence, the rain pattered on. We each found spots on the wall to hold our gaze, our hands found each other.

"What are we gonna do?" He finally said.

"Well, the sun will come up, we'll all tell each other how much we love each other, we'll have some breakfast, and I guess we figure out what Burr and Thea need."

"But, I mean, _what are we gonna do?_ I don't feel like things are ever gonna be normal again."

"They will. Time goes on. People die. We keep moving. We keep living. We love each other." I sighed and turned to look at him.

"I'm tired," he slid down the bed, shifting Philip between us.

I turned off the lamp, "go to sleep, Jack. I love you."

He leaned over Philip to kiss me and we curled around him and for just this moment we were all okay.

I felt the need to stand guard. Unable to sleep with grief so close, with the rain so hard just outside. I listened as John's breathing slowed, his soft snores blending with Philip's. I tucked Philip's head under my chin, he breath warm on my neck. We would be okay. Philip was okay. John was okay. My mind wandered to Burr, wondering what he was doing. Was he lying awake? Was he holding his daughter? I wished comfort for my friend and tangled my legs with John unable to bear the thought of standing where Burr stood right now. I held my family and tried to grasp the idea that it was all so fragile, life was so fragile.

Theodosia had been healthy, Burr and I had teased our spouses for going to sunrise yoga together, she'd helped John learn to jog again after his surgery and they went out regularly even though he couldn't run anymore. She was healthy. She was gone.

The rain gave up as the sun crested, casting shadows of the city over us. My eyes felt no heavier than my heart. I couldn't bring myself to get up, to so much as take my eyes off of them.

Philip stretched and rolled to face John, I snuggled them even tighter. Holding fast to everything in the world that mattered to me, still pushing pain and grief to the periphery. I pressed tiny kisses to Philip's shoulder, knowing how bad the days to come would hurt my baby, knowing he was so like his daddy and would do anything to help his friend.

John woke up first, the few hours of sleep doing little for him. He stared at me and we held Philip, our fingers woven together, thumbs stroking backs of hands, eyebrows engaged in silent conversation of shared worry. He shrugged, asking the silent question of it we should start our day, I shrugged back and John broke our grasp of each other, and stroked Philip's cheek.

"Wake up, baby." He whispered.

Philip stretched and yawned, "is it all still real?"

"Yes, baby." John sighed.

Philip nodded and blinked a few times, "maybe we should invite Thea and mister Aaron to breakfast and then we can spend the day with Thea, 'cause I bet there's a lot of grown up stuff that mister Aaron needs to do, 'cause I know there's lots of grown up things about when people die."

"We can invite them, I don't know what they have planned for the day."

Philip nodded again, "I was just thinkin' off the top of my head."

John called Aaron and I retrieved my glasses, seeing the world for what it was. Philip sat up and clung to me, figuring out his place in the world now that his perspective had been changed, forever augmented.


	5. Chapter 5

Philip kept his arm around Thea at breakfast, encouraging her to eat, offering food from his own plate. John talked to Burr, offering him comfort. I observed, arm around John, eyes glued to Philip, fearing that if I so much as took my eyes off my family they would slip through my fingers like sand.

Burr sipped his coffee, his eyes looked so tired, gray and empty. He played a hand through Thea's braids, the beads at the ends clacking together. I watched Philip try and make things easier on his friend, she leaned against him, eyes cast down, the same gray and empty gaze glazing them.

Philip looked at me, his face painted with worry, eyes searching mine for a hint of what to do. I nodded gently at him gave a slight kiss to the air, _I love you, I'm proud of you_ , his lips twitched a smile.

I tuned back in to John and Burr's conversation, John had _that_ voice on, his face determined, businesslike, "...you don't have to do this by yourself, Aaron."

Burr nodded into his coffee cup, "I appreciate it, John. I just… there's so much. You don't ever think about it… I have to think about it."

"Philip loves her, we love her, get things sorted out. Take some time."

"I know. I know I need to. I just…" tears slid over his cheeks. I stared at my reflection in my half emptied black coffee, feeling like looking at him was too intimate, to watch him cry, that was nearly voyeuristic.

"Daddy?" Thea whispered, wrapping her arms around her father.

Burr sniffed and kissed the top of Thea's head, Philip patted her back, speaking softly, "it's okay Thea, sometimes big people get sad, my pops gets sad when it rains. Your daddy'll be okay."

Burr glanced at me, his eyes still shining, _don't fucking look at me like you know some secret about me, like you get me, like you get it._ I averted my eyes and silently shamed myself for being so callous toward a grieving man. I made myself look at him.

"Alright, people, Thea you up for spending the day with the super awesome Hamilton-Laurens crew?" John tried to lighten the mood, taking control over the situation.

Thea looked at her father for a clue as to what she should do, he nodded at her and forced a smile.

"Okay?" She looked at John.

"Yeah? Hey, what do you think we should do today?" He leaned forward over the table.

"Um… maybe we can go back to your house and we can watch some movies?"

"We have lots of movies." Philip agreed.

Thea grinned at him. I went to the counter and paid the bill, giving John and Burr a moment to speak. I was joined at the counter by everyone and Philip and Thea walked hand in hand in front of us. Burr called out a goodbye to his daughter and walked the other way. John and I followed the kids.

"I have to work today." I told John regretfully.

"I know, babe. I got this."

"I know you do. You always do."

We made it to the house and John got the kids settled. I went upstairs to start working and quickly settled into a rhythm, taking some of Burr's work on as well. Time marched on without me. My door creaked open and Philip crept in.

"¿Qué es la que hay, kid?" I asked, finishing the sentence I was typing before turning my attention to him.

He hopped up on my desk and swung his legs, "pops, what am I supposed to do to help Thea? 'Cause, well, I'm pretty sad, too."

I let the air escape my lungs and leaned my chair back, lacing my fingers behind my head. _What do you say to that?_

"Well… You just have to love her through it," I sat forward and tucked a loose curl behind his ear, "do you remember hearing about your daddy's dad dying?"

Philip nodded, "his dad was a mean man."

I sighed and nodded, "okay, so, when… when that happened, your daddy and I had only been together for a few months, not very long at all, and back then, I was a really bummed out kind of guy. I was pretty sad and angry with the world, but your daddy, he helped me with that. When his dad died I got to help him with something, too. I was still upset about my own stuff, but I just focused on helping your daddy and his siblings feel a little bit better, eventually things got better for me, too. I don't know, it's not a very good example." _I wanted to do more, to help him better._

"Why were you angry?"

"Sometimes when bad stuff happens it makes people angry for a long time."

He stared at his knees, hair falling over his face, his little shoulders shook. I took him into my arms, he let me hold him against me, draping himself forward over the edge of my desk.

 _I'd fucked this up somehow,_ "mi hijo, mi hijo, what is it? What's wrong?"

He sniffed and looked at me, wiping his face, "I don't want Thea to be angry and some bad stuff happened. She can't be angry, papi. She can't," he set his jaw, eyes igniting with fire within, "I will do everything to make her be not angry."

John. _John._ John did everything to make me stop being so angry, and now here was our boy, here was history repeating itself.

"You know, love, it's up to her not to be angry. It's not up to anyone else, she might decide that she's angry. Sometimes being angry is part of being sad. She needs to be sad for a little while, she might need to be angry, too."

He let out a long and heavy sigh, "but, papi, don't you understand? Don't you understand how pretty she is when she smiles?" he hiccuped out another cry, "Papi… what if I never get to see her smile again?"

It was my turn to let out a sigh, "she will. I promise. Grieving, being sad when people die, that takes some time. Remember, you were sad when Abuelita died? You smile now."

"Yeah, but I wasn't like, _super sad,_ 'cause I only met her a couple times, 'cause she lived on the island. The island where you're from. Can we go sometime?"

"A dónde quieres llegar? Where do you want to go?"

"To Puerto Rico, where you're from. Where abuelita lived."

I looked away, trying to grapple, to spit out a satisfactory answer, to choke back the panic, "I don't know, let's get through this. We can't go on a trip right now."

He nodded, my answer satisfactory for now. This would come up again. He deserved to know his heritage, he'd been to South Carolina every year, he deserved to see where I was from, too.

"But, what do I do? I still don't know." He tucked his knees into his chest.

"You just gotta love her, buddy."

"I do. That just seems not like enough."

"It is. Trust me." _It was for me._

"You have to work super super late tonight?"

"I don't know yet. Part of me helping make our friends feel better so Thea's daddy doesn't have to work so hard right now."

"Yeah, that's pretty nice of you."

I smiled at him and took his hand, kissing his little knuckles, "go play. Go love on Thea."

He hugged me around the neck and went back downstairs. I tuned back out, lost to the world in my work, letting time slip on. Ignoring the sounds of my family echoing through the house. When the natural light died I went downstairs and found it empty, only then tuning in to the sound of giggling and music upstairs, barely audible through the vents.

I climbed the stairs, and then the second flight, hit by the scent of paint thinner and the vinegar smell of darkroom chemicals. My eyes watered and I gulped a breath, layers of spattered paint clung, dried over years to the hardwood floor in a Pollockesque array, discarded sketches - a shocking amount that bore my likeness - littered the floor. The radio played showtunes and John and the kids stood at three easels, each in smocks, flinging paint at their canvases as hard as they could.

Thea flung her paintbrush with the intensity of a major league baseball pitcher, her leg rising as her whole body threw the paint, she let out a tennis grunt with the motion.

"There ya go!" John cheered, they hadn't noticed me. I checked the wall for paint and leaned against it. John had always been so beautiful when he worked, I loved sneaking peeks of him doing what he loved, especially when I could do it unnoticed, when I could see him raw, unfiltered. I rarely made it up to his studio, wanting it to be his, to belong to him, to not force myself into the parts of his world he wasn't always ready for me to see. Just outside the walled off darkroom were rows and rows of pictures of the three of us, lots with Lafayette and Hercules, some with the Burrs, some with his family, some with Eliza and Peggy. The photos made me smirk, we had a good life.

I cleared my throat, trying not to startle any of them. John turned around first, smiling at me like he'd seen the sun for the first time.

"What are you crazy people doing?" I asked, unable to take my eyes off of him.

"We're making feel-y art!" Thea announced, "we pick different colours for different feelings and we throw them really hard at the canvas and then we get to not feel like that as much."

I looked at her artwork, mostly shades of violet, "what does purple mean?"

Her shoulders slumped, "I don't know, but I sure felt a lot of it."

John rested his paint free forearm on her shoulder, "cool thing about art is that it says things we don't know how to say."

"You like mine, pops?" Philip turned to face me, a Braveheart smear across his cheek.

"Your painting or what you've done to your face?"

"Both?"

"I love both… But I might like your face just a touch more."

"Papi," he groaned.

I winked at him.

"Am I supposed to go home now?" Thea asked.

"I don't know, Jack, you heard from Burr?"

"Nah, not yet, you want to give him a call? I'm a little…" he held up his paint covered hands.

I nodded, "have fun, crazy people. Dinner soon?"

Philip nodded exuberantly, "yeah, yeah, yeah!"

"Alright, alright, chill out, William Wallace." I smirked.

John laughed, getting the joke that went over Philip and Thea's heads. I retreated from John's colourful workspace and called Burr. He wanted Thea back, I couldn't blame him. John got the kids cleaned up in time for Burr's arrival. He looked worn, scruff clung high to his usually neat cheeks, he was generally rumpled. Thea hugged him and told him about the artwork drying in the studio. Philip hugged her goodbye and we saw them off. John made dinner and we sat around the table, reconnecting as a family, as the three of us. Finding some normal again.

"Alright, dude, you're going to school tomorrow, a day of hooky, no big deal, but you're going tomorrow," John told Philip after the show we were watching ended, "right, papi?"

I nodded, "yup, we've got to do what we've got to do."

"Fine." Philip sulked, going to get himself ready for bed.

John cuddled tighter against me and stretched, I played with his fingers.

"You're pretty clever. The paintings, that was good." I told him.

He shrugged, "making this stuff up on the fly. I don't know what I'm doing."

"Well, you're doing it well. Thank you."

"Thank you, I know you're working harder."

I nodded and shrugged it off.


	6. Chapter 6

**Y'all miss me? Sorry for the wait between chapters, I ended up working a musical this week (and next, so be prepared for the next update to take a minute, too) and it has zapped all of my time, especially since I still have one of those job things wanting my time. Thank you, always for sticking it out and enjoy mostly fluff as a treat!**

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John came back from the bathroom, I was already waiting in our bed, my nighttime routine perpetually taking less time than his. He looked sleepy, haggard. I pulled the blankets back to invite him in, expecting him to take his place beside me. He, instead sat himself over my lap, leaning against my chest.

"Hi." I chuckled, petting his hair.

"Hi." He let out a sigh.

"Have I told you recently what a rockstar you are?"

"Mm, not super recently, no."

"Well, you really fucking are. I don't know how you're doing it."

"Gotta do what you gotta do sometimes."

"Amen, you're just so good at it." I kissed his temple.

"Trying to be. Kids need me."

"They do… I do. But you don't have to be everything, amante."

He nodded, his eyes shining, "will you kiss me?"

I chuckled and complied, "of course, always."

I held his chin, pulling him delicately to me and kissed him again and again, deepening the kiss, searching, lusting, hoping that my love could be his salve. His cheeks dampened mine at the place where our skin met and I pulled back, his face was twisted up and sad. I swiped his cheeks with my thumbs and felt my brows draw toward one another.

"What is it? Did I do something wrong?"

He sniffed, wrapping his arms around me, straddling me against the headboard, right leg kicked out and wrapped around my hips, "no, babe, you're perfect, I just haven't gotten to…" he let out a shaky breath, staring at the ceiling, avoiding my gaze, and shook his hands, limp from the wrists, letting out some of the tension.

"Okay, okay," I held him to me.

His mouth found my throat, my Adam's apple. He sucked the tender flesh there and I moaned against my will, he sniffed again and dropped his head lower, nipping at my collarbones, his mane of curls spread over my chest.

"John," I whispered in his ear.

He raised his head and looked at me, eyes red, glistening, "what?"

"You don't have to do this. I love you."

"I want to. I want to do something that feels right, something that feels okay. There's nothing more right than when I'm loving you."

"Then let me love you, John. Come here." I swept his hair back gently, gathering a handful at the nape of his neck, he sighed into my touch and relaxed, pliant in my arms as I kissed him again.

I tapped his hip, encouraging him to move off of me and I turned the lamp off, snuggling down into the bed with him. He pulled off his clothes and tugged at my shirt. I mirrored the action and stripped myself before he found his place in the crook of my arm, against my chest. His body was warm, the skin to skin contact soothing to us both. His shoulders shook in the darkness, I ignored it, let him cry without being seen. I kissed him, his lips so soft and full, breath still minty from brushing his teeth. I held his neck delicately, feeling his heartbeat accelerate in the artery exquisitely protruding from his jaw to his clavicle under my fingertips. It thrilled me.

He pulled away and rolled over in my arms, "hold me?"

"Para siempre." I tightened my arms over his chest.

I rubbed his tense shoulder lazily, kissing the edge of his hairline, baby hairs at the nape of his neck tickling me. I lapped my way down the back of his neck. He rucked back against me. His hard body finding purchase against mine, "talk to me," he implored.

"So beautiful. I'm so proud to be your husband. You take care of everything. So smart. So compassionate. So goddamn beautiful."

He ground back against me, his breath airy, his voice floating as he spoke, "no talk to me like you write, in your pretty way that always makes me feel dumb. Talk to me."

I hummed against him, sucking in a mouthful of flesh over his shoulder blade, continuing to lavish him at pauses in speech, rolling my hips against him, surrounding him in love, "I wish, my dear, that it may be in my power by action, rather than words, to convince you that I love you. My dearest, so long ago, longer now than memory serves, you took advantage of my sensibility and stole into my affections without my consent. But, as you have done it, and we are generally indulgent to those we love I shall not scruple to pardon the fraud you have committed on condition that for my sake, if not for your own, you will always continue to merit the partiality, which you have so artfully instilled in me. Continue, you have, swallowing whole a decade at my side, doubt not that I am aware of the implications of the prize that you have won and allow me to excite your emulation, an account of your lover - his _size,_ make, quality of mind and of _body_ , achievements, expectations, _fortune._ "

"Alright, alright, that's enough, I don't even know what you're saying," he giggled.

 _He giggled._ Sounding happier than I'd heard in days, talking through the grin that I knew even without seeing it in the dark augmented his features.

"Hey, you asked for it."

"I'm about to ask for something else."

"John Laurens," I gasped in mock shock at his insinuation.

"Oh, yeah, Alex, I want you. Take me apart."

"It would be my sheer pleasure and delight to commit sins of the flesh with you."

"Okay, show off," I could hear the eye roll in his voice as he rolled over, hitching his leg over my hip.

My hand found his erection, fingers stroking the taut flesh. He keened and threw his head back. I whispered sweet nothings into his ear as I stroked him.

"I want more. Please." He was near begging.

I got the lube out of the bedside table and spent the next half hour spoiling him with words as I worked him open, he was receptive to the point of needy, defenses down after the long week. I finally decided to take him and slid myself home, looking down at his body from my vantage point of lying over him. He gasped and held my shoulders tightly, letting out little moans as I started to move.

"Yes, oh, I need you. I needed this."

I smiled and nipped at his chest, his legs straightened and his hands dropped to make fists in the sheets, "you like this?"

"You know I like it."

Our eyes were adjusted to see in the darkness, the window providing little light from the city, I stared down at him, skin milky in the dim light. _He was the most beautiful man I'd ever seen._

"What's that face?" He giggled.

"Just love you. Close your eyes, relax."

His eyes fluttered shut and I continued thrusting in the rhythm we'd set. He moaned, feeling things more intensely without the visual input. I stroked his cheek and he rooted after my thumb, taking the pad of the digit between his teeth. I moaned at this, thrusting harder, he yelped, lips grinning around my finger, still held in his teeth.

His face changed, mouth falling open, brows wrenching, I dropped my lips to his ear, tugging at the flesh before whispering, "come for me, want to see that pretty face melt."

He gasped and wrapped his arms around me, body tightening, this set off a chain reaction and we came together. I rested my forehead against his, panting. We smiled lazily at each other, basking in the afterglow. I pulled out and we cleaned ourselves up before pulling on sweatpants.

I held him and he sighed, finally sounding peaceful.

"Tomorrow is still going to be hard." He told me.

"It will," I agreed, lacing my fingers through his, "but you'll make it."

"I know." he kissed my knuckles and pushed back against my chest.

"I've got you."

"I know." He sighed and quickly fell asleep. I stroked his hair, kissing his shoulder until I, too, was sleeping.

Morning came and the three of us busied ourselves with getting ready, the frenzy of morning coupled with the fact that nothing felt quite right. Philip couldn't find his shoe. His lunch bag hadn't been emptied for almost three days and a colony of mold had claimed the half a sandwich left in it. John's portfolio - filled with the concept for the issue set to release in three days - was gone without a trace, lost somewhere among the three stories of our house, and we were out of coffee.

"I'm sorry, babe. I meant to do a real shopping trip, but then… well, I only got the staples and I just wasn't thinking." John wrapped his arm around my waist as I desperately finished the cold, gritty half cup left in the pot from yesterday.

"It's fine. I'll take Pip to school and get some on the way back." I set the cup down as a now two-shoed Philip materialized in the kitchen.

"Can I come?" He asked, grin spread across his face.

"Uh…" I checked the time on the stove, "yeah, but we need to leave, like, right now, right now."

"Yes!" He whooped.

"Alright, bye, love you." I kissed John's cheek.

"Just a minute." John ran a paper towel on the inside of the now disinfected lunch bag and shoved the different components of Philip's lunch inside and handed it to him.

I went to the hallway and threw on a hoodie and stepped into my shoes.

"Vamos, vamos! Come on." I called after Philip, still saying goodbye to John.

We hurried out the door and walked down the street to my favourite coffee shop.

"Can I get a cookie?" Philip smiled up at me.

"Ha! Definite no." I chuckled at him.

"Can I get a scone?"

"Nope."

"Can I get a… muffin?"

"We'll see."

I held the door for him and we waited in line. I relented and let him get a muffin, double chocolate, basically a cupcake. I took my coffee and his chocolate milk and we were on our way to school. On the train, I helped him situate himself and broke his muffin in half, claiming one of the pieces. He stared at me in shock.

"Pops!"

"Oh, you're fine, it's the size of your head." I sipped my red eye and took a bite of the breakfast cupcake.

"When's the funeral?" Philip asked around a bite.

"I don't know."

"Well, I get to go, right?"

"Do you want to?"

He nodded immediately, "because I want to help Thea. I already know it will be very sad."

I thought back to John's dad's funeral, we were so young. His voice cut through my thoughts.

"So, can I, pops?"

"Yeah, hijo, if you really want to."

"I have to."

We got off the train with the hundreds of yawning, stupored people on their way to somewhere else and finished the walk to school. I dropped him off and took his trash, ready for the ride back home, talking myself through the casenotes again, I was in the courtroom in just a few days. Tough case, pressure on without Burr, a homicide, first degree. I'd be stuck in my office all day, probably ought to show my face at the firm, remind them I still exist. I loved how often I could work from home, especially without the distraction of other people and because on the days that John got to be home we would eat lunch together, but it made my days in the firm feel that much longer.

On the train, my phone buzzing in my pocket stirred me from my thoughts. It was Eliza.

I answered.

"Hey, you. You guys have plans this weekend?" She asked, lighthearted and warm as usual.

I felt bad, realizing that we hadn't told her anything that had been happening in our lives recently.

I blew out a breath, "hey, I'm… I'm actually not sure. It's been a crazy couple of days on our end."

"Yeah? What's going on?"

"Our friend Theodosia passed away."

"Oh… Oh, Alex, love, I'm sorry… She was a sweet woman. Oh, God, who are John and Pip doing with it?" Eliza had gotten to know the Burrs through us, seeing each other at birthday parties and gatherings. The two women had gotten along well.

"They're having a tough time."

"Of course they are, oh, I'm so sorry. I'm so sad to hear that. Please extend my condolences, I'm happy to help with anything I can."

"I'll let them know. What's happening this weekend that you were calling about?"

She took a moment to remember the purpose of the call after I'd derailed her, "right! Yes, I was calling to ask if I could kidnap the boy on Saturday, my center is having a fundraising event at the Bronx zoo and I get a plus one, but if the funeral is Saturday, or you need him for something else I totally get it and I'm sure I can just take Peg-"

I stopped her self doubt, "-let me see what the plans are, I'm sure that he would think that that was the coolest damn thing, so let me and John figure it out and I'll get back to you."

"Sounds like a plan."

"Hey, wait, before you go, hear anything from Angelica lately?"

Eliza sighed, "she's doing really well, but they're staying in London. I haven't gotten to see Kitty and Junior in almost a year. She doesn't know when they'll be back home."

"Damn, I could really use her help. Obviously with everything that's going on with Burr, he's not pulling his weight on our cases, she's so damned good at what she does. I hope she's not wasting her brain on tea with the queen."

"Jeez, 'Lex, she's not some princess, she's doing okay." Eliza laughed me off.

"I know, I know. Peg doing okay? We've been so wrapped up in ourselves, I haven't talked to you in a while."

"She's Peggy, I don't with that girl, she's something."

I smirked, Peggy was exactly who she was meant to be. I watched the train roll into my stop.

"Alright, train's stopping, gotta go."

"Bye, Alex, good talking to you, love you."

"I'll let you know about this weekend, love you, too." I smiled, we didn't deserve that woman in our lives, _I didn't deserve her,_ but there she was just the same.


	7. Chapter 7

**I honestly didn't think I'd get this out so quickly, but here we are. I'm so grateful to all of you who read this and have stuck with me since LYNITS, you guys are the reason that I do this. Shadow, thank you for your reviews, please never apologize for the length, I truly look forward to each of them, they flatter me and the things that you pick up on are so satisfying. I try to craft well thought out work and to see that it is recognized is a gift. Paggers, your reviews are always a wild ride and I love the work that you put into them. Thank you a million times. Also, I'm kicking around a new AU, so make sure that you follow me as an author for when that goes live. Enjoy!**

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"Sit." John hissed coolly after having gently given the prompt at least a handful of times.

Philip glared and sat on the folding chair between John and I. John's brows softened and he patted Philip's knee.

"But, she's gonna be sitting in front of us. I want to make sure she knows where I am." Philip whispered.

"She will, you're okay." I straightened his tie.

Thea and Burr walked down the aisle of the church after the mourners had all taken their seats. Burr held his daughter's hand. Philip fidgeted. The priest took his place at the pulpit. The funeral home fell silent. I tuned out the words he said, and set my hand, palm up across Philip's lap. John took my hand and Philip placed both of his around them. John squeezed my hand and Philip ran his fingers over the back of John's hand. _Our sweet boy._ He smiled up at each of us and I leaned over to kiss his cheek.

I listened half heartedly to the song that one of Theodosia's sisters sang, mostly staring at my feet, trying my hardest not to think about my own mother's funeral, about how young I was, too young to remember most of it. Younger than Philip. I remembered it nonetheless, the hot church, still no power there. The kind old woman escorting me back to the hotel I'd been placed in until they'd figured out what to do with me.

Burr stood to speak at the pulpit, I avoided looking at him, afraid seeing his grief would make my own too raw. Instead, I watched as Thea reached her hand between the backs folding chairs, fingers wiggling to catch Philip's eye, he leaned forward, letting go of his grasp on mine and John's, taking her hand into his own. John and I let each other go and I reached across the back of the chair to hold his shoulder. He nodded toward Philip and smiled at me. I smiled back, _the kid was alright._

Thea gripped Philip's hand until hers turned white, he didn't budge, just kept squeezing right back, John leaned forward, resting his forearms on the back of Burr's empty chair, he smiled at Thea and wiped her cheek free of tears with a tissue he'd tucked in the pocket of his suit. He whispered something in her ear and she smiled and nodded, more tears in her eyes, John put his arm around her shoulder. She looked back at me, eyes wet and shining, I squeezed her other shoulder. John kissed her cheek and got up to deliver his eulogy. I listened to the words that I knew by heart, that I'd helped him to write once Burr asked him to speak. He executed it flawlessly and rejoined us.

The priest spoke again and led a prayer. I bowed my head and stared at the scuffs on my shoes, pretending to pray, pretending to listen. Everyone stood to leave, Philip refused to go without Thea, holding her hand tightly. They went out to the foyer of the funeral home Philip flanked her as old people and some of mine and Burr's colleagues and other people that I'm sure meant nothing to her shared their condolences. I remembered that. I remembered the half heart condolences, the words that people say when they feel obligated to say something that there are no words for. Thea took it in stride. Burr found us, his tie already loosened, I was familiar with how much like a noose they could feel when under stress, and empathized with him.

"Alright?" I asked him while John handled the kids.

"Better than I was an hour ago. Thank you, Alexander, for all that your family has done for mine." He clapped me on the shoulder.

"It's our pleasure."

"Now, where does a man have to go to get a drink?" He laughed an empty sound and walked off to be received by the mourners.

As Burr walked away, I was shocked by the force of Thea flinging her arms around me squeezing them around my waist. I petted her hair and looked down at her. I caught John's eye, he was grinning, a lopsided expression as the young girl closed her eyes and sighed.

"You doing okay, pequeña?" I asked her, hugging her back.

She looked up at me with vacant eyes and nodded, "you just give really good hugs. I wanted a hug from you, since my mama can't hug me."

 _Fuck. I mean, fuck. What do you do with that?_ I did the only thing that made sense and kept hugging her.

"I think John probably gives better hugs."

"Nope, his are pretty good, but yours are better."

John held Philip back and let Thea have her moment with me. She squeezed me a final time and let me go, "thanks," she whispered, tears glossing her eyes again.

I nodded and John took my hand. We stood there, waiting to figure out what to do next. Burr came over and talked to John, I fidgeted with my suit while John talked, their voices too low for me to understand. John returned and suggested that we take our leave.

I retrieved Philip from where he stood guard over Thea, following her every move, diligently at her side.

"Alright, hijo, we have to go now, okay?"

He stepped closer to Thea and shook his head, "no, papi, I have to stay."

"Come on, love, they're going to leave soon, too."

He shook his head, concern on his face.

"Pip, I'm okay. Go with your dad." Thea hugged him and kissed his cheek while he stared daggers at me.

John was right behind us, "see you later, Thea, call us if you need anything okay?"

She nodded, "bye, guys."

Philip looked over his shoulder, "bye, Thea, I love you, I'm sorry."

"I'm okay, Pippie, I'll be okay." She waved at him.

John and I took either of Philip's hands once we got outside. He pulled free of my grasp, glaring up at me.

I stuffed my hands in my pant pockets and walked alongside them.

"Am I still going to the zoo?" Philip asked as we descended the stairs to the subway.

"You up for it?" John asked.

"Yeah, wanna see Eliza… wanna see some leopards."

"Good deal, kiddo. She'll get you in about an hour."

"Do I have to stay fancy?" He pulled at his tie.

"You can probably switch into jeans and different shoes, but keep the up top stuff fancy."

"I hate these shoes, they're too slippy."

"No one likes them, hijo. I want to go home and change, too." I smiled, he smiled back at me, and reached out for my hand while we waited for the train.

Once we were home, we got Philip situated, still looking dapper, but slightly more appropriate for frolicking at the zoo. Eliza rang the buzzer and John let her in. She was a vision in a robin's egg blue cocktail dress, half sleeves and just skimming the ground. Her dark hair half pulled back.

"Eliza!" John exclaimed, twirling her, "babe! Look at how beautiful she is!"

I stared at her, _she was stunning._ My heart stuttered and my breath caught in my throat, I crossed the room and took her hands, holding her at arm's length.

"You look lovely, Betsey."

She grinned, "thank you, 'Lex. Look at you, all snazzy, too. Bet you're ready to put on sweatpants, though aren't you."

I shrugged, "some things never change."

John rested his forearm against my shoulder and leaned on me, "I mean, I get it, babe, 'cause dang, I've been gay for twenty years, but phew! Eliza!"

She giggled and blushed, "oh, stop it, John."

Philip plodded down the stairs in his more comfortable attire, and gasped, "whoa! Eliza you look like a princess!"

"Well then it's only fair that I should be escorted by a prince." She bent and offered him her hand which he bowed and took, kissing the back.

"Did you teach him that?" I whispered to John.

"Nope." He giggled.

"Have fun, guys," I stooped to talk to Philip, pretending to whisper, "don't keep her out all night."

Philip flashed an 'a-okay' sign, "got it!" and ran ahead to hold the door.

We wished them well and went upstairs to change out of our funeral garb.

"Well… today went alright." John sighed from inside our closet.

I stepped out of my shoes and unzipped my pants, "yeah, the service was nice. You did a great job."

"Couldn't have done it without you," he reappeared from the closet, still dressed, I cocked my head at him, "take me out to a nice dinner?"

I raised an eyebrow.

"Please, come on, let's go on a date, we both look so nice." he spun in a circle, and grinned at me.

I tucked my shirt back in and zipped up my pants, "I'm not wearing a tie." I pulled it free from my neck and unbuttoned the top two buttons on my shirt, "this is the best I've got."

"Perfect," he stared at me and sucked his bottom lip between his teeth, "better, actually."

"So, what horrible fancy place are we off to? It's Saturday night and we don't have reservations."

"I'll pull some strings." He offered me his hand, much like Eliza had to our son, and I mimicked Philip and bowed to kiss it.

"I still have no idea where he got that from." I chuckled.

"Dude, me either, but that was maybe the cutest thing I've ever seen."

"Everything about that kid is cute, though. Did you see him get all pissy with me earlier?"

"You took him away from his girl, you monster." He giggled.

"I know, Alexander Hamilton, certified monster."

"Man, that kid cracks me up."

"I know, he's really something."

"Has he done his poem for you?"

"What?"

"Oh, man, he hasn't? It's a treat."

"Damn, I love that kid."

"Me, too. Now, come on, let's go!"

I let him lead the way, a metaphor for my life, _I'd follow that man anywhere._ He took us to a place, lit in glowing candles, tables draped in fine cloth. We waited together for a half hour before his name was called, he schmoozed the host, thanking her for fitting us in.

"You're something. I don't know how you do that." I smirked once we were seated.

His lip curled, "grew up watching my dad."

I nodded and looked at the menu. We ordered and I got a mildly horrified look from the waiter when ordering my pedestrian rum and coke as opposed to the suggested added wine pairing. John leaned forward and took my hands while we waited for the first course. He looked so pretty in the soft flicker of the candles.

Our first course came out and it looked disappointingly unlike pizza. I figured out how to eat the tiny portion of shaved smoked salmon with some sort of berry and chive thing happening on it while John happily ate a too pretty vegetarian radish and something else ridiculous. The meal continued in a confusing array of artful, design over function food that became less shocking with every overpriced rum and coke I sipped.

By the final course, we were mostly full despite only having three tiny mismatched bites of each plate. John beamed at me, happy when I would actually relent and go with him to one of these absurd restaurants. I loved seeing him happy, relaxing, for just a few hours, not having to be everyone's everything. We waited for the bill which amounted to a month's rent in my first studio. I checked my phone while he paid, seeing texts from Eliza.

 **Hi, Alex! Everything's great, but it's running later than expected. This is good, though, the auction went incredibly well. The center made so much! Anyways, should I keep Philip? He's asking about a sleepover. You're the boss.**

"Everything okay?" John asked, signing the credit card slip.

"Yeah, all good. Want the house to ourselves tonight?" I winked at him.

"Ooh, Eliza wants to keep him?"

"He's asking if he can."

"Done."

I texted her back to confirm.

"Hey, Jack?" I rested my chin on the heel of my hand.

"Yeah?" He looked at me across the table.

"Can I take you out dancing?"

He blinked in disbelief, "you… you want to?"

"It's been a while. Let's go. You want to invite Laf and Hercules?"

"Uh, yeah, sure. I'll call them."

We left the upscale restaurant and headed toward one of the clubs he liked to go to. He called Lafayette who was free, even more surprising was that Hercules was as well. They agreed to join us. John was giddy as we entered the club, we reserved a table and set down our jackets before ordering drinks. Our friends joined us in record time. I let John lead me out to the dance floor and watched in awe as he danced on me, his body moving sensually to the music. After a few songs, I retired to our table, Hercules caught my eye and they sat with us. Lafayette finished his drink and stared at John.

"Mon ami?" He gestured to the dancefloor.

"Bye, babe." John kissed my cheek and I watched him and Lafayette make their way to open spot on the dancefloor, looking to all the world like a couple.

I smirked, watching them dance, seeing the grin that split John's face as Lafayette twerked against him, he caught my eye and gave a little wave before helping Laf back up and grinding on him.

Hercules and I shared a laugh.

"How the hell are you, stranger?" I asked Hercules.

"Never better, man. I mean, does it get better than dressing J. Lo for the Met Gala?"

"I… I guess when you put it that way."

"Sure sorry to hear about your friend, though, man. That's rough, and they've got that little girl Pip's age."

I nodded, "it's a shame."

We chatted for a while, watching our husbands dance with each other, heads thrown back in laughter, drinks in their hands.

"Laf really wants a kid." Hercules changed the subject.

"Yeah? How about you?"

He laughed and took a sip of his drink, "you know, I don't know. I see you guys with Pip, and I see Laf with him and, yeah, I love how he is with him. You know, he's such a good man, but I don't know. I'm still not really home. I just don't know."

"It's hard, it's the hardest thing you'll ever do. I'm serious… I make a million mistakes, like, every goddamn day. And the travel thing is hard. John was supposed to be out of town this week, but he sent someone else, that's the nice thing about being so high up."

Herc nodded into his whiskey.

"There's no rush, though, man. Take your time. You don't want to do this thing half-assed."

He smiled and our husbands returned.

"Come dance with me!" Lafayette pleaded, dragging Hercules off the lounge, he gave in and followed Lafayette whose tall, lanky body cut through the crowd with ease.

"You're not having a terrible time are you?" John whispered in my ear.

"Not at all, you were sexy out there." I sucked the corner of his jaw and he shuddered as a chill hit his spine.

"Would you like to dance with me?"

I finished my drink and followed him.


	8. Chapter 8

**Hey look, more fluff. I just really feel like you guys deserve it after what I've put you through, sometimes the warm and fuzzies are a nice break. Thank you so much for the love for this universe. I love knowing that my work has some impact, even if it's just that it gives you a few moments to look forward to. Y'all make my day.**

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I woke up before John and watched him sleep, tracing the planes of his naked chest with my fingers. He looked so pretty in the morning sun, his hair haloed around him on the pillow apotheosizing him. I had to kiss him. His lips puckered to meet mine after the first kiss, eyes moving under their lids. I kissed him again and he wrapped his arms around me, kissing me back, tasting my lip.

"Good morning, querido." I whispered to him after the kiss was broken.

"Hi," his eyes fluttered open and he grinned, "we got to sleep in."

I nodded, "we sure did."

"That's amazing,"

"You're so pretty," I changed the subject.

He blushed, giggling, "no, stop it," and pushed me away.

"Did you have fun last night?" I smoothed hair away from his face, his curls frizzy and disobedient, springing back to where they had been.

"Yeah, I'm sore though."

I pelvic thrusted at him, and hooded my eyelids, "from that good dicking I gave you?"

He giggled again, "no, from dancing for hours. I forgot I was old for a minute last night."

"That's why I don't dance, plus, you're in way better shape than me."

"You did last night." He grinned.

"John, don't you know that I would pull the moon out of the sky for you? Of course I danced. I danced for you. But, me? I don't dance."

His eyebrows raised and he squeezed me, "god, I love you so much. Why are you so freaking amazing?"

"You make it easy. Now, make me breakfast." I winked at him.

"You got it."

I leaned against the headboard and watched him get out of bed, the covers sliding off of his naked body. I stared at him, the sloping curve of his lower back, his ass, his long legs. He turned to look at me and blushed again. I bit my lip, casually stroking myself under the duvet.

"Don't look at me! I won't make you pancakes if you look at me." He teased me, popping a hip out, giving me full view of everything I wanted to see.

"Hey, now, don't threaten a man's pancakes, that's the kind of shit people get divorced over." I winked at him and followed him out of bed to hold him in my arms, kissing his collar bones, nipping at his jaw.

"If you keep this up, no one's getting breakfast, I'm just going to take you back to bed." He snaked his arms around me.

"Promise?" I whispered in his ear.

"Dang it, that never works with you."

"Nope."

He moved away from me and grabbed a pair of sweatpants, putting them on, hitching them low on his hips. My eyes trailed across his body. He tossed me a pair of sweatpants as well and I pulled them on, looking far less appealing than he did. I followed him down to the kitchen and sat on the counter while he stirred batter together. I leaned over and poured myself a cup of coffee and sipped it while I watched him cook. He turned around and closed the distance between us while the pancakes cooked, he kissed me.

I loved kissing him like this, when he had to tip his head back to reach me. My height made it harder for me to feel dominant even though we both liked it. This position made it easier for me to take control. I wrapped my legs around his waist and held him tightly, kissing him hard.

He pulled away from me quickly and I held on to him, "Babe!" he giggled.

"Nope, you're mine."

"You're gonna make me burn breakfast," he complained and I released him reluctantly.

He finished breakfast and we sat together at the table. I moaned into the food, loving our Sunday morning pancake ritual, taking a moment to acknowledge that it felt wrong taking part in it without my baby.

"When do we get Pip back?" He asked me, John was thinking the same thing.

"Whenever. You know how he is, he's probably asked Eliza if he can move in."

John rolled his eyes and nodded, "I hope she's not too sick of him."

"Nah, he's too cute for that."

"Good thing, too or else I don't know if he would've made it. "

I chuckled at this and agreed.

"Babe, I have had the best time with you. Thank you for everything."

I covered his hand with my own, "yeah, absolutely, I just know you've had a hard time. Wanted to take care of you, make things just a little bit right." _If that was even possible._ I felt bad for a moment after realizing that he was stuck with me to make things better. I wished there was a second John that could take care of him, he'd do it so much better.

"You did." He leaned over and kissed me, I licked my lips afterwards, tasting the sticky sweet syrup.

I cleared our plates and washed the dishes, cleaning up the batter and the stovetop. My phone rang in the other room, "can you get that?" I called to him.

I listened to him coordinate with Eliza and then make his way up the stairs to get dressed. I joined him once the kitchen was clean. He was lacing up his shoes, sitting on the bed and I went into the closet to get dressed. We locked the door behind us and I took his hand on the walk to the train station where we took the subway to Eliza's apartment.

Philip greeted us eagerly, wearing yesterday's jeans and the white t-shirt he'd worn under his dress shirt.

"Did you guys have a good time?" John asked, still crouched down, hugging him.

Philip pulled away and played with John's ponytail, "the best time, we got to see a million animals and there was a lot of food that was _so_ yummy. Then! Then we came back here and we played the piano and we watched a movie!" He whispered in John's ear, but since he was the worst at whispering, Eliza and I heard everything, "we even got to have ice cream."

"What a night." John smiled.

"Hi, pops!" Philip hugged my waist and I squeezed him back.

"Hi, hijo. I'm so glad you had a good time," I turned my attention to Eliza, "he was okay, right?"

She smiled, "he was perfect, we had a blast. Did you guys have a nice evening."

John put an arm around my waist, "the best."

"Nice to just recharge our batteries a little bit." I agreed.

"Alright, got all your stuff?" John asked Philip.

"Yup yup, ready to go, daddy-o!"

John and I shook our heads at each other, _weird kid_.

"Bye, Betsey, thanks again."

"Absolutely, we had a lot of fun."

"We're gonna do it again." Philip told John and I.

"Sounds like a plan."

We left Eliza's building and as soon as we were on the street Philip started asking questions.

"Thea didn't call last night, did she?"

"No, baby, why?" John asked him.

"Well, 'cause I told her that she could if she got too sad."

"Nope, she didn't call us."

"But when do I get to see her again?"

"I don't know, she and her dad are figuring everything out." I answered.

"I can help."

"Baby, some things have to be figured out just with family." John told him.

"But she is my family, she's my girl."

"I know, and when she needs you, you'll be there."

He nodded, this seemed satisfactory.

"Daddy, can I have your phone? I want to be ready when she needs me."

"Pip," I started, John shrugged at me and handed his phone to our boy.

"Was it bad for me to have fun with Eliza?" Philip stared down at the dark phone while we walked.

"What? No." I was surprised.

"I just… 'cause I bet Thea was super super sad last night, but I was out having fun. Maybe I should have been sad, too."

I surveyed that the street was mostly empty and crouched in front of my son, tucking his hair behind his ear, John let me take this one, "hijo, look at me. Feeling how you feel is never wrong. Feelings are just feelings, okay? Not good or bad, they just are what they are, got it? You're a good boy, you're a good friend, I'm sure that Thea will be excited to hear about the fun that you had, but don't think for a minute that it's wrong to feel how you feel."

"Okay, pop, sorry."

I hugged him to me, "hey, hey, don't apologize, you haven't done a single thing wrong, I love you. You're good."

He nodded and I stood back up. John gave me a look of approval. He rubbed Philip's shoulder while we walked. Once we got home Philip put on fresh clothes and asked us about our night. We told him about dinner and seeing Lafayette and Hercules.

"Did you have pancake day?" He folded his little arms.

"Sure did. Doesn't daddy make the best pancakes?" I smiled.

"Yeah he does, but hey, you made pancakes without me?"

"Hold up, didn't you get ice cream last night?" John smirked.

"Oh, yeah, nevermind. Ice cream beats pancakes." Philip waved us off and went back upstairs to play.

John swung his legs over my lap and leaned back against the arm of the couch, "his teen years are gonna be brutal."

I nodded, mentally preparing myself, "he's such an emotional kid. I don't remember being like that."

John winced and shook his head, focusing back on me, "I do."

I rubbed his knee, knowing the things he was remembering, that being an emotional kid had cost him bruises.

"He's going to be a good man, though." I decided.

"Yeah, he is, we just have to survive the next decade, and then we'll have a well-adjusted, compassionate, feminist young man ready to be released in the wild."

"Hey, you good?" I asked John, turning the conversation back to the grief that still clung in the air around our family.

He shrugged, "like you said earlier, you just feel the way you feel. I'm still heartbroken, sure, but life goes on. It happens. Couldn't do it without you. That's the thing that I know for sure."

I leaned over and spread myself out on the couch behind him, spooning him. There wasn't quite enough room, but I wanted to hold him. _Wanted to do my best to make things right._ I buried my face in his hair and breathed in the strawberries. He turned on the television, finding something to watch, I couldn't see over him, so I just focused on holding him and running over briefings in my mind.

Philip came back downstairs and found us spooning on the couch and dog piled on top of us, I struggled to breathe as his elbow found my ribcage.

"Pipster, there's not quite enough room for all three of us." John giggled, turning his head to look at the boy, this movement covered my face in his mane of curls.

I sputtered and spat out his hair.

"That's a bummer, survival of the fittest!" I felt his give John a shove, catching him off guard, and throwing his already precarious balance off, tumbling him to the floor.

John guffawed and then scowled playfully at Philip who I snuggled in John's place on the sofa, "papi's mine." He squealed a peal of laughter.

"You got him, 'Lex?"

I tightened my grip on Philip and kicked a leg over his, tethering him to me. John tickled him ruthlessly. Philip screamed with giggles and thrashed in my arms. He worked himself into a coughing fit and we gave up.

He rolled over and whispered in my ear, "can we get dad?"

I high fived him and we threw ourselves at John on the floor, who playfully pleaded for mercy, I tickled him behind his knees, where I knew I'd get the biggest reaction.

"Let me get him!" Philip shouted.

"Great plan, I'll distract him." I bent over John and kissed him quickly, just enough to be annoying.

"Alright, that's probably enough. Your dad and I are old, we're tired." I called him off and helped John up from the floor.

"That was a lot of fun," Philip bounced around, "but now we're done, because it's time for bed, time to go brush the teeth inside my head, then when they're clean, I'll pick a book I've read!" He beamed, "my rhyming is getting better. Of course, it is, 'cause I'm a poet." He flicked his hand out dramatically and then bounded up the stairs.

"I'm gonna get you back, Hamilton." John whispered in my ear while I was still distracted by Philip's performance.

"Huh?" I focused back on John as he threw himself at me, digging his fingers under my arms to tickle me.

"Goddammit." I fought against him, he was straddling me, and so damned strong. I did my best to go limp and be a boring target, he lost interest quickly enough.

"Did you just use bear encounter tactics on me?"

I nodded, "and it worked, didn't it?"

"You're no fun."

"I've been telling you that for years."


	9. Chapter 9

**Hey, strangers! A partial explanation for my absence is at the end of the chapter, because spoilers, but it's so good to see you all! Thank you for waiting on me and for being such awesome freaking fans. I count my blessings all the time. Enjoy!**

* * *

John came into the bedroom, still rubbing moisturizer in underneath his eyes. He got into bed next to me and I scooted over to give him more room.

"Why are you moody?" He asked, tucking in against me.

I scowled at him, "I'm not."

"'Lex, babe. How are you really going to try and say that? I know you. What's on your mind?" he brushed hair behind my ear and I rolled my eyes at being fussed over.

I thought about it and he gave me time to process my thoughts, likely expecting a tangent. I didn't have a tangent, instead, hot, angry tears surprised me and poured over the sides of my face until I hid against John.

"I want to go home."

"What, babe?" he soothed, not understanding me through my tears.

"I want to go home." I repeated, hating myself for crying. _You're such a pussy._

"Where do you think we are?" he asked.

"I want to see my island." I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him tightly to me.

He stopped rubbing my arm, "oh."

I looked up at him, his lips were in a perfect circle.

"I… Theodosia… I miss my mom. I miss my island."

He nodded, taking it in, the more time that passed without him speaking the more idiotic I felt.

After infinities passed us by he spoke, "so let's go."

I shook my head, it's stupid."

"It's not stupid to show Pip where his father is from, where my family is from, he's always wanted to go. I think after all this with the Burrs that it would be good for us."

"But work, school."

"Screw it. We can take a leave."

"Burr's already on leave." I argued.

"So?" he shrugged.

"It's not that simple. I have to pick up the slack."

"My love, it is that simple. The firm can figure out how to live without you for a week or two, you don't have court and I know you, you'll be reading briefs on the beach. So let's just go." He reached around me for his phone.

"How?" I tutted.

He was already looking up flights, not paying attention to me, "...this weekend."

"John…"

"Alexander." He stared me down, intensity igniting the copper flecks in his eyes.

I swallowed, matching his intensity, "no, John, it's ridiculous. It's foolish of me to even be considering."

"Alexander." He set his jaw, his determination, his frustration was sexy.

"Forget that I even said anything, John. Jesus, I was just talking. I'm sorry I even brought it up." I pawed at the remainder of tears on my face and hated myself.

"Dammit, 'Lex. Come here." John grabbed me up into his arms despite my stiffening to try and immobilize myself. He was so strong.

He won out and pulled me into his arms.

"Sorry." I was defeated.

"Come on, babe. Let's just run away for a week or two... I want to… for Pip."

"For… for Pip." I nodded.

John's face split into a smile, "can I get excited?"

I rolled my eyes and rubbed my nose, "if you must."

He was back on his phone, buying tickets and booking a beach house for us.

"This is silly." I grumbled.

"Oh, no, Alexander Hamilton doing something silly with his family, not allowed." John teased in mock horror.

"Shut up, Jack." I nudged him with my hip.

 _God, how I love that man._

"We'll leave Friday morning, back in a week and a half." He told me and set his phone down.

I chewed at my lip, "I'm nervous."

"I know. It'll be good for you, though. Like, remember our honeymoon?"

I swallowed hard at that lump that memory put into my throat, confronting the ocean, "yeah."

"And we have Pip. He can learn so much about himself, you, I can learn about me. This is exactly what our family needs."

I nodded, though not convinced.

"I can't wait to tell the baby." John all but squealed next to me.

"I hope he's excited." I said, holding him tightly.

John started to giggle.

"What?" I asked, rolling my eyes almost by accident.

"Laf's gonna want to go." He giggled.

"He should come." I agreed with a shrug.

John rolled over to face me, "no,"

"Why not?" I asked, knowing how much more fun they would have together. I knew the island, John and Lafayette would be better company than I would.

He didn't have a good answer, "fine, I'll call him."

John called him on facetime.

"What? It's late. Bonjour, Alex." Lafayette answered, his plume of hair tucked under a silk scarf, it was clear he was in his pajamas.

I waved at him, hating how red my face looked in the small image of us in the corner of the screen.

"What are you doing this weekend?" John asked with a sense of finality in his voice.

"Nothing, really. Herc is gone until Monday." Lafayette sounded despondent, and reached a long finger under his scarf to scratch his head..

"Come to Puerto Rico!" John pleaded beside me.

"What?" his brows knit together.

I pinched the bridge of my nose, "John talked me into going… home. Do you want to come?"

"Puerto Rico?" it sounded muddled by his accent.

"Yes!" John rolled his eyes.

"Alexander, you really want to go?" Laf stared at me through the phone.

I nodded.

"Pip is coming?"

"Of course, that's half the reason we're going." John laughed.

Lafayette beamed, "send me the itinerary so that I may book my flight."

John agreed to and fired off all of the information once we'd hung up. Sleep came eventually, John snoring quietly beside me. In the morning we told Philip the plan.

"Seriously?" he gasped.

I nodded, "it's where I'm from, it's where daddy's family is from. We think it might be where your mommy who had you could have been from. It's time for you to see the island."

"La Isla." Philip confirmed.

I nodded.

"Our island."

I nodded.

"But I thought you never wanted to go."

"I changed my mind." I told him casually.

"Finally!" he threw his arms around John and I.

"Guess what?" John grinned.

"What" Philip leaned forward.

"Uncle Laf is coming, too."

"Really?"

We nodded.

"I can't wait… uncle Herc has to work?"

"Yeah, buddy," John made a face.

"He works more than papi."

We made plans and dropped Philip off at school. John was quick to start us packing. He was so much better at it than I was.

"We need sunscreen obviously, bathing suits, at least one nice outfit. Pip needs his sun hat." I stopped listening to John talk to himself, making a list.

 _The island. The island that made me who I am… no, the island made me who I was._ I was going back. It was dangerous, the hurricanes, they could… they could come so quick and take everything. Everything. It was okay, it wasn't hurricane season, it would be okay. We would be safe.

"'Lex, babe, did you hear me?" John broke through my thoughts.

I shook my head to clear it, "huh? No, sorry, querido. What did you say?"

"I asked if you think that it will be cold at night?"

I laughed, "it's never cold."

John smiled and kissed my head, throwing more rolled clothing into the suitcase. I left him to it and stalked up to my office to try and get ahead on work before abandoning my post for a frivolous vacation for a week. I felt ridiculous. I thought about the island, about the good that it had to offer. I thought about the coqui frogs and the music and the blue cobblestone streets of Old San Juan and the beauty Culebra, field trips into the rainforest, the food, so much food.

I sat at my desk with my arms folded, just reminiscing. John came up the stairs and sat on my desk in front of me, legs at either side of my chair.

"Hi," he caressed my cheek.

"Hi." I smiled up at him, _he was so impossibly beautiful._

"How are you doing?"

"Fine." I shrugged.

"Now that we've gotten that out of the way, how are you really?"

He knew me too well, "scared, I suppose. You're going on vacation, I'm going to battle."

He leaned forward, resting his forearms on my shoulders, putting our faces inches apart, "it doesn't have to be. You're safe. You'll be with three people who love you. It's going to be okay, babe."

"Hope you're right. Fuck, part of me feels… like a bad father, how could I take Philip there?"

"Because for most people it's just a beautiful island with a rich and varied history."

"But for me it was… it was almost my downfall."

"I checked the weather already, there's only half the time posted, but it's going to be clear. I've got you. It's going to be okay, 'Lex. We're going to be safe."

"You checked for storms?"

He nodded. _I didn't deserve him._

"Thanks, querido, I don't know what I would do without you."

"Never going to have to find out, either."

I rubbed his knee, remembering how close I'd come in the past but managed to pull a smile for him.

"I am excited for you to see it, though… the island… my island. It… can be beautiful."

He covered my hand with his own, "I'm excited for you to show it to Philip. We… we can't make him afraid, Alexander."

"He has nothing to fear. _I'll_ keep him safe." _Like someone should have done for me._

"I know you will. I will, too… and Laf."

"I'm glad he's coming. Maybe we can manage some alone time, that sounds like the highlight of the trip."

"I'm sure that we can. You know Laf's already on it. He's been texting me all morning with ideas, there's plenty of room in the house that I rented for us to have some alone time at night, too."

"If he's willing to sleep alone in a strange place." I tutted.

"I have an allowance of fifty dollars a day for Lafayette if he encourages sleepovers in his room."

"Please, fifty dollars means even less to him than it does to you."

"You're right… I'll up the ante. Babe, all I'm saying is that this is going to be good."

"I hope so. I hope it is good. I'm sorry I'm who I am. This should be a good thing. A fun family vacation… but I'm me."

"Alex, it will be a fun family vacation because you're you. I love you so much, babe. I don't care if its hard, I don't care if it brings up old hurts for you. I just want to be with you. I want you to know how much I love you. I want to be there to support you. This will be good for all of us."

"Sure fucking hope you're right. I don't even know why I wanted to go in the first place. It's… I guess it's like a pull. I just feel like… I'm supposed to be there. I have to go."

"I know. That's why we're going. I'd follow you to the ends of the earth, Alex. Crawl through hell on my knees and elbows if I had to just to make you okay."

"Sometimes it seems like I ask that of you." I looked at the floor.

He tipped my chin up with two fingers, "but the best part of being in love is that it never feels that way."

I smirked up at him and leaned into his chest, "I love you so much, amante."

"I love you, too, Alex." He kissed the top of my head.

I still thought of it as going into battle. I felt on alert, like my hair was standing up, like I'd have to protect them all from the powers of the island. I laughed dryly to myself.

"What is it?" John asked, not moving.

"I treat this island like it's Moana or some shit, like it's sentient and looking to hurt me. I know it isn't true. I'm a well educated man, but I don't know, you see what I've seen and I think you have to come away believing that the rocks are more than rocks and the tide is more than ocean.

"I won't let it hurt you." John promised.

I felt like an idiot as my husband held me while promising that he wouldn't let an island hurt me, but for as idiotic as I felt, I felt comforted, too.

* * *

 **Hi, again. So, I've had this story arc requested for a long long time now, and it's been in the works, but I wanted to do it justice. Puerto Rico is a place that I feel like needs to be done right, I didn't want to just BS my way through, especially with how much the island plays a part in Alex's backstory. I ended up getting to go to PR this month (and see The Show by magic, which was a roller coaster and a half) and once I knew that I was going to visit the island I wanted to suspend this story until I had a chance to see and experience it for myself. This is a gorgeous, incredible island with so many treasures and facets, I'm so glad that I waited to tell this story and I hope that it pays off!**

 **-M W**


	10. Chapter 10

**I'm so excited to update this story and send the gang on their way. Thank you for being patient with me between uploads. I hope you love this chapter and I can't wait to hear what you think!**

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"Babe, go to sleep." John mumbled into the pillow and slung his arm over me.

I stared up at the glowing light on the smoke detector and wondered how he knew I wasn't sleeping. Of course I wasn't sleeping, I never did the night before we flew somewhere, it still made me nervous and especially more so tonight since I'd be back on the island tomorrow. I kept staring at the light on the smoke detector, unsure of how much time had passed.

"'Lex," his voice was clouded with sleep, he rustled on the pillow.

"Go to sleep, Jack." I listened to a fire truck wailing in the distance.

He leaned up on his elbow and stroked my cheek, "anxious?"

I nodded, my hair rustling against the pillow.

"Want me to get you a Xanax?"

"No." I shook my head, rustling my hair again.

"Want me to fix you a drink?"

"No," a drink sounded tempting, _a bottle itself sounded tempting_ , "just want you."

"You got it," he sounded sleepy but reached over to the bedside table and rummaged in the drawer where we kept lube.

"No, amante, just you. Just want to be close to you." I smiled at his eagerness to be with me.

He rolled onto his back, "come here."

His chest was warm as I nuzzled against it and breathed him in, he rubbed my back leaving me quieter, less ragged.

"Nervous about anything in particular?" His voice sounded less sleep clouded.

"No… just… all of it."

He rubbed my arms and sighed softly, "let's get up… I'll make you a cup of coffee."

"It's okay, Jack, really."

"Come on, neither of us are really sleeping anyway." He pulled away from me and got up.

 _You asshole, couldn't even let him sleep-_

John's voice cut through my self deprecation, "hey, none of that, come on." He took my hand.

"What do you mean?" I furrowed my brow at him.

"I know you, love, I know when you're being mean to yourself."

I let out a heavy breath and followed him into my office, not wanting to go down the creaky stairs and wake up Lafayette who slept on the sofa. I looked in on Philip and found him sleeping peacefully, just like his daddy should have been.

In my office John instructed me to sit on the dark leather loveseat while he made me coffee from the smaller pot that sat on the table by the door. I looked at him the whole time, wondering why I ever could have deserved him. He handed me the warm mug and sat next to me.

"We're going to be okay." He smoothed back my hair.

"I know." I stared into the mug, not wanting to look at John.

"I think that this is one of your best ideas ever, Alex. We need a getaway, and I mean for Pip to see where you're from, that, too. This is going to be good."

I nodded and shivered, the cool leather not doing me any favours. My coffee was warm and strong, John knew just how I liked it. He took me into his arms and talked to me, I tuned in and out, taking in his words, but mostly just their cadence, he was so reassuring.

"I hate feeling so scared. I'm so stupid." I rolled my eyes at myself.

"Alexander," he took my chin firmly yet gently into his hand and made me look at him, "you are not stupid. Alex, I was still afraid of my dad when he was already dead. The first time we went down to Charleston I was paranoid that he would find us. He was dead and I was still afraid. Trauma isn't rational, babe."

I nodded slowly, "how are you so smart?"

He grinned and looked away, I was sure that his cheeks, now curtained with his hair were burning with a blush.

"Let's go back to bed."

Until the alarm went off I dozed in a twilight against him. He stretched and brushed the hair away from my face.

"You ready?" He asked, looking down at me.

"As I'm ever going to be." I pursed my lips and got out of the bed which had brought little rest to me.

"It's a nonstop flight."

"Less likelihood of us crashing and dying, good call, querido."

He scoffed and rolled his eyes, "let's go, Debbie downer."

I nodded and stepped into my slippers to shield me from the cold hardwood floors. We crept down the stairs to be met with the sight of Philip and Lafayette talking on the couch, both of them still under the blankets, Philip lying directly on top of Lafayette, resting his chin on his hands, bony elbows no doubt digging into Laf's chest.

"Hijo, why don't you give your uncle some space?" I urged.

"He is fine. Bonjour!" Laf waved me off.

"Morning, dads! Me and uncle Laf were just talking about the trip, I was teaching him Spanish."

"I'm sure you were, kid." John ruffled our boy's hair on the way to the kitchen.

"The silent 'h' I can appreciate, but the 'j'?"

Philip exhaled heavily, "J….ose."

Laf scratched his head.

John brought me a cup of coffee and I took it gratefully, patting his ass as a gesture of my appreciation. He winked at me and addressed us all, "alright, gang, so we're headed to the airport in about an hour, there's fruit and bagels in the kitchen, everybody get up, get dressed, and then we're off to Puerto Rico! ¡Wepa!"

We all cheered back, "¡Wepa!"

I sipped my coffee and chewed half heartedly at a bagel, my stomach flipping too much to care to eat.

John came up behind me and wrapped his arms around me and whispered in my ear, "gonna be just fine, babe."

I nodded, "of course it will."

"Papi's just scared of flying and because the island was bad to him… well, not really the island but storms that hurt the island, are there hurricanes in France?" Philip spoke to Lafayette at my breakneck speed.

"I don't… believe so," Lafayette mused over his half eaten banana, "do you want to speak with your uncle Herc?"

Philip nodded and took a bite out of his bagel while Lafayette facetimed him.

"Bonjour, mon cher, je t'aime! Tu me manques!" Laf whined at Hercules once he picked up.

Hercules groaned his reply, "in English, babe, I'm too tired to figure out what you're trying to say."

"Good morning, I love you, I miss you!" Philip answered.

"Morning, Pip, well, morning for you, it's four in the morning here, I love you and I miss you too, buddy."

"No… that's what I said…" Lafayette pouted.

"Good one, kid, finish up and get ready for us to go to the airport, we don't want to be late, " I kissed Philip's head, "hey, Herc."

"Hey, man! How's it going? Have fun in PR! Wish I could make it."

"Next time." I told him and went to get myself shaved and dressed and give him a moment of privacy with his love.

John flitted around our room, packing last minute items like our phone chargers and laptops. He double checked that Philip's tablet was charged.

"How are you feeling this morning?" He wrapped his arms around me.

"I'm fine. Quit fussing over me." I responded, tipping my chin up to kiss him.

"This is going to be good, 'Lex. As much as you don't want to believe it, it will be. I just know it."

"I hope you're right."

"I am," he winked and kissed me again before he left the room to call Philip to have him start getting ready.

Like herding cats, we were finally out the door, looking like we were staying for a month rather than a week. Philip could barely sit still in the taxi as we rode to the airport, my hand was already clenching John's.

"It's okay," he whispered in my ear as Philip told Lafayette everything that he knew about turtles.

"It can hide in its shell." Lafayette added.

"Well, yeah, but everyone knows that. The super cool thing, though, about shells, is well, they're actually a part of their skeleton, so it isn't actually a house for the turtle, it just is the turtle, and see, well, the shell, it's actually two bits, the top bit's the plastron, and the bottom part's called the carapace-" John cut him off.

"Flip 'em around, kiddo, top part's the carapace, bottom's the plastron."

Lafayette blinked with wide eyes, taking in the overload of information as we made our way through rush hour.

Once we made it to the airport Lafayette looked confused and exhausted.

We went through security and took our seats, Philip was still rambling, "it's the same, just a 'guh' on the end."

"Tortue-guh." Lafayette repeated.

"Yup, Spanish and French are super similar."

Lafayette scratched his head, fatigue on his brow.

"Come here, bro," John sat Philip on his lap and held him around the waist, "baby, love, uncle Laf isn't used to learning so much before nine in the morning, let's lay off him, huh?"

"Sorry," Pip looked at the ground.

"Don't be sorry, just find some chill."

"Pip, you wanna get some hot chocolate? Go for a little walk to burn off some energy?" I asked him.

"Yeah!"

"Back soon." I kissed John and took Philip's hand, so grateful that he wasn't too cool to hold my hand in public. I knew the day was coming, though.

"Papi are you still scared to go?" He asked me in line at Starbucks.

"Yeah." I didn't see a point in lying.

He squeezed my hand, "it's okay to be scared sometimes, remember?"

"Yup, sure is."

We ordered and took the long way back through the concourse. It was almost time for us to line up for priority, I chugged my americano.

"Is your hot chocolate as good as mine?" Lafayette asked Philip.

"No way! Yours is the best ever."

"Don't give him a big head, he won't fit on the plane." John teased, pulling at one of Lafayette's curls.

Aghast, Laf fixed his hair and pulled one of John's curls, though it didn't quite have the same delightful effect. Philip giggled at their childish display.

"Such a good example you boys set." I chuckled and finished the rest of my coffee.

There was an announcement for us over the PA and we lined up with the rest of priority boarding.

"Showtime." John squeezed my hand.

I forced a smile and started taking deep breaths. Philip quickly flanked me and took my other hand. We stepped onto the plane and took our seats, Philip sat a row behind us next to Lafayette… poor Lafayette. John got him set up with his tablet and offered to switch with Lafayette who politely declined and suggested that we should sit together. I ordered a drink as soon as possible and started reciting the constitution under my breath. I was nearly through the preamble when we started moving.

"What are you muttering?" John asked, squeezing my sweaty hand tightly.

We leveled out and my ears popped.

"The constitution?" I winced nervously.

"God bless your beautiful mind. You have the whole thing memorized. I just don't get you, you absolutely brilliant man."

I smirked at him and started on my second drink. It calmed me down enough to get some work done while John sketched in the seat beside me. Philip was silent, watching his movie, chewing on his fingernail. Lafayette was dead asleep. I worked my way through the journey, throwing all of my attention at the case in my lap. The plane's descent was easy enough and when we touched down everyone clapped. _These were my people._ I clapped along with them and smiled at the thanks being given to God. John threw a sly smile at me. He knew these were my people, too.

We got off of the plane and found ourselves in the San Juan airport.

"I want to see outside!" Philip squealed.

"We need to get our bags first." Lafayette reminded him.

"Ugh, right. I don't know why we needed so much stuff."

John and I divided and conquered, he went to get the rental car and the three of us stayed behind for our luggage. The carousel finally delivered our bags and we stepped into the warm, humid air. It smelled like I remembered, like rain and ripe fruit and the backfire of a truck all at once. John was waiting in the taxi lane with the windows down, sunglasses on, bright smile on his face. He got out and helped load our luggage and then put Philip's booster seat into the backset. I sat beside John in the passenger's seat, scooting up to give Lafayette more room in the back.

"Querido, watch out, the drivers here are nuts."

John giggled, "babe, please, I'm me." He pulled away from the awning and we were spat out on the highway.

It was beautiful. It was in so many ways still home, and with the people I loved in the car with me, it _was_ home. Philip's hair flipped in the wind and he grinned.

"It's kind of like when we go to Auntie's house!" He shouted.

"A little bit, huh?" John shouted back.

The drive to the beach was short and our hotel was right on the coast of the Condado beach.

Philip and Lafayette gasped when they saw the water.

"Pretty incredible, isn't it?" John flicked his eyes to the rearview mirror.

"It's amazing." Philip agreed.

A bellhop assisted us with our bags and we got checked in to our rooms. Philip ran between the two adjoining as we settled in. John and I sat on one of the queen beds in our room and just enjoyed being still.

"Can we go? Can we go?" Please?" Philip burst back into our room.

"Alright, sure, yeah, come on." John stood up.

Lafayette was behind Philip in the doorway between the adjoining rooms.

"Where to?" Lafayette asked.

"The old part of the city." I told them.

"The old part?" Philip made a face.

"Yup. That's where all the fun is." I promised.

"If you say so." He sounded skeptical.


	11. Chapter 11

**This is a long one, you guys. But! This chapter is four parts in the making and I am so excited to bring it to you. Review and let me know what you think. Thank you for being here!**

* * *

"Viejo San Juan, here we come!" I shouted to the rest of the car once we were on the highway.

I could make this good. They deserved it to be good.

John turned down the salsa on the radio, "Alex, where do I go? What does any of this mean?"

I glanced at the convergence signs on the highway as John started to get nervous, "far right, querido."

"You'd think I'd know more Spanish after a decade with you."

I rubbed his thigh and he got in the proper lane. _I was being helpful. I was making it good._

The buildings changed, becoming less commercial, this made it feel more like home. We drove along the coast and got to the oldest part of the city. Tears stung my eyes, this was what I remembered about when things were good. I remembered la placita. I remembered the music spilling out of the shops and the birds and the food.

"Holy shit." John stared at the steep cobblestone roads with deep trenches where the tires had rutted them.

"I mean… I told you." I shrugged at him.

"Bad word, dad!" Philip chastised.

Lafayette hushed him quickly, pointing out that John needed to focus.

 _Bless Lafayette._

He took a steeling breath, knuckles turning white on the steering wheel, he started up the tight road looking for a place to park. He found a spot easily enough, relying on the Rover's back up camera to park in the tight parallel spot. He gritted his teeth as a car coming toward us crested the hill.

"They're fine, amante, they will wait." I stroked his thigh in what I hoped was a soothing gesture.

"They're gonna have to." John murmured.

"Dad, there's a car coming!" Philip announced obviously.

"Shh, mon petit," Lafayette whispered.

 _Bless Lafayette._

John got the tires up against the curb and the car passed us, giving a small, friendly wave.

"See?" I reassured him.

"Jeez. Alright, everybody out, look for cars, Pip!" John let out a deep breath.

Out of the car I took John's hand until Philip shoved his way between us, replacing our hands with his own. Lafayette took in the sights behind the three of us. I longed for the reassurance of John's hand on my own, but decided I had to be strong for Philip. After a few deep breaths I squeezed his hand.

"Do you want to see a million birds?" I asked him.

His eyes flashed with excitement and he nodded, tearing out of John's grasp.

"Wait, he needs sunscreen!" John called after us dejectedly.

"He'll be fine for ten minutes." I waved him off.

Philip and I quickly crested a hill and I pulled him through gates to the little square where old storm-gnarled trees met us. Birds covered the cement and nestled in the branches of the trees. Philip gasped and chased them, they were patient and tolerant, just like they had been with me when I was little. I listened to my son's happy screeches and the flutter of wings but stared at the ocean. I'd forgotten what a good view of it there was here. It was cerulean and calm, it took my breath away and I froze to watch it.

"You doing alright, baby?" John's arms were around my waist.

"I'm fine."

"Okay, you're just kind of staring, you sure you're doing okay with all of this?"

"I'm alright." I pulled myself away from the transfixing ocean and turned to face John, pressing my cheek against his chest just to hear the perfectly unique song of his heart beat.

We watched Philip and Lafayette chase after the birds. They lost interest in the birds and went to stare in the grass. Lafayette was crouching on his knees, Philip flat on his belly until he pushed himself up and ran to us at full speed.

"Daddy! Dad! Come here! There's an iguana! Come on, daddy." Philip pulled at John's hand, tearing him away from my grasp.

I followed behind them. John was quickly flat on his belly like Philip and they stared at the reptile.

"We can't touch it, right?" Philip asked John.

"Nope, we need to just look. He's so cute, isn't he?" John sounded like he was in love.

"He's so cute." Philip repeated dreamily.

I whipped my phone out to take photos of them and smiled to myself, this was why I had to come home.

"So, are we just going to look at iguanas all day?" I chuckled to the others after I'd taken a few photos.

"Papi, don't you think it's so cool?" Philip asked, dusting himself off.

"Mhm," I nodded halfheartedly.

"Fascinating little creatures. I don't trust how they move, though. They're too fast." Lafayette complained.

John and Philip swung hands and traded facts about iguanas.

Laf laughed beside me as we walked back toward the shops, "your husband made him that way."

"Oh, I'm aware."

We strolled through the old part of the city, wandering into art galleries that I could barely drag John away from as he talked to the artisans and owners, exchanging instagram names and other art… _things?_

Philip stared up at the buildings as we walked the streets. We stopped at a little cafe to eat.

"Help?" John looked up from his menu at me.

Lafayette wore a similar confused expression.

"Papi, I'll help daddy, you help oncle." Philip sighed in exasperation at our family's lack of comprehension of the Spanish language.

I glanced at the menu, "you'll want to try this, Laf." I pointed to one of the items.

."How is it said?" He asked.

"Mofongo y pollo."

He practiced it and I turned my attention to John and Philip, "how are you guys doing over here?"

"Papi, what's this?" Philip pointed at one of the pictures.

"Tostones." I told him.

"What is it?"

"It's a fried mashed plantain, ¿ _platano, verdad?_ You've had them before, you like them," I turned my attention to John, "you're going to eat more meat this week than you have in almost twenty years, just the way it is, welcome to Puerto Rico."

Lafayette couldn't contain himself and laughed through his hands.

"Don't make fun of my dad for being vegetarian." Philip defended John's honour.

"I'm not." He kept laughing and I felt John's leg brush mine and then Laf yelped.

"Pip said this one's just veggies and beans, though, right?" He pointed to one of the items.

"Yeah, with crushed fried pork skin and fried in animal fat, but essentially, just veggies and beans."

He shrugged, "when in Puerto Rico."

Our server came over and greeted us, I nudged Philip to give him our drink order, "uh, hola, señor, ¿nos trae agua, por favor?"

"Sí, chico, muy bien." The server ruffled Philip's hair.

"I did it, right, papi!" He beamed at me.

"Very good, mi hijo." I smiled back at him.

Our server quickly returned with our waters and looked back to Philip, "¿Están listos para ordenar?"

Philip looked at me nervously, "it's okay, Pip, go ahead."

Philip scratched his nose and looked up at the server who stared back with a soft smile, "uh, quiero pedir, uh, masitas de cerdo fritas, uh, y totso-ton-es… por favor."

"¿Tostones?" The server corrected gently.

Philip giggled at his mistake, "tostones! Gracias."

The server turned to me and I ordered my own food, "arroz con gandules y pernil, por favor."

He wrote it down and turned to Laf who gulped nervously beside me, "¿mofongo y pollo? Please, pardon me, uh, por favor?"

The server gave him a smile and switched easily to English, "mofongo with fried chicken pieces, right?"

Lafayette breathed a sigh of relief, "please."

"I'll just have the mofongo and veggies, please." John handed him our menus, also seeming relieved to hear our server speaking English.

I zoned out while we waited for our food, vaguely aware of Philip whining as John slathered him in sunscreen. The water was so crisp, so blue, the smells were all around me, spices tickling my nose with fruits and blossoms all brined in the salty mist blown off the water.

"Baby?" John patted my arm.

I looked down and saw our food had arrived and smiled at my family seated around the table. John looked at me from under knitted eyebrows and I shook my head to clear it.

"Sorry, long day. I guess I'm tired."

"It has been a long day," John agreed, "how about after we eat we head back to the hotel?"

"What? We just got here!" Philip grumbled.

"And we're here for a week, you're fine, now let's eat this amazing looking food." John took a bite of his mofongo and I watched his eyes roll into the back of his head.

"Is that always the face he makes when he eats meat?" Lafayette nudged me playfully.

"Usually." I smirked confidently.

Philip quirked his head to the side, not getting our joke. John understood it, though, and beneath his freckles his cheeks flamed red.

"Papi, did you get to eat the all the time when you were little?" Philip asked, taking another enthusiastic bite.

"Mhm, I ate lots and lots of platanos y arroz y, hmm, frutas. That's all island food."

"It's so yummy."

"It's so fresh." John agreed, stabbing through peppers and onions.

"What do you think, Laf?"

He stopped shoveling food into his mouth, "this… is divine."

"Papi, they put the stuff you put on your fries back at home on the top of the mofongo, what is it?"

I grinned back at him, at this little part of the island that had always stuck with me, "that's mayoketchup. Isn't it good?"

"Mm-hmm," he agreed, "what is it?"

"It's… mayoketchup, literally, mayonnaise and ketchup."

"But I don't like mayonnaise." Philip crinkled his nose.

"Please, you've been eating mayoketchup off my fries since you were," I looked at John bashfully, "older than a year and a half?"

"Alexander!" John gaped at me.

"What? French fries are soft, he was fine."

"Feeding the baby french fries," he shook his head but broke into a smile and leaned over to kiss my cheek.

"I like fries a lot, daddy."

"I know you do, thanks to your papi."

"Remember how uncle Laf used to give me pastries when I was a little baby?" Philip grinned across the table at Lafayette whose mouth fell open.

"Whoa! You would just throw me under the bus like that?"

"Laf!" John gasped.

"I wanted him to like me." Lafayette shrugged.

"I do like you, oncle." Philip confirmed.

"And it worked." Laf sounded proud of himself.

"Poor kid's gonna be hypertensive by twenty-five."

We joked and laughed and enjoyed our meal, wandering through the old city to get back to the car. John seemed more confident about driving as he got the lay of the land and we were quickly back at the hotel.

"What are we doing?" Philip asked.

"Having some down time. It's already going on eight." John swept Philip's hair back from his sweaty face.

"I want to have more fun."

"We will, baby, but we need to rest and recharge. Papi's tired."

"So drink some coffee like you do at home."

"Shots fired, hijo." I teased him.

"Just saying, that's what you do at home."

"Tomorrow, we're going to the rain forest, so we want to be nice and rested up."

"You want to check out the pool?" Laf offered.

Philip looked to me and John, "can I?"

"If Laf's up for it, sure." I agreed.

"Then what?"

"We can watch a movie." Lafayette suggested.

Philip found this solution agreeable and John and I thanked Lafayette immensely. Once we were back to our rooms we helped Philip find his swim trunks and gave Lafayette his toiletry bag so that he could shower once they were done at the pool. We could hear their door close heavily, _Philip._

"How's my man?" John straddled my hips on the bed where we sat.

"I'm okay, tired. Bit of a day." I smiled at him.

"Bit of a day." He agreed.

"Want to take a shower?"

"Together?"

"Of course."

I pretended to ponder it for a minute and agreed. The bathroom in our room was large, white marble surfaces, I stripped down while John started the water.

"What do you think so far?" I asked him.

"Of the island? It's incredible. I've never seen anything like it." He took his ponytail down and stepped under the rainfall showerhead.

The water was warm, I could give it that… but it was too wet.

"Sorry you're so anxious, honey." John rubbed my shoulders before tipping his face up to the spray.

"I'm fine."

"Haven't seen you this tense in a shower in a long time."

I couldn't bullshit him… not the way I used to be able to. He knew me too well.

"Lots of water here."

"That's what islands do," he ran a soapy cloth over my shoulders.

"Seems to be one of the characteristics, doesn't it?"

He turned, as per our joint shower routine and I washed his hair, closing my eyes and breathing in the overwhelming flood of strawberries. I let him wash my hair and run conditioner through it and held him in my arms, enjoying the way he felt against me.

"It's nice to be away with you." I whispered into his ear.

He hummed, "it really is. Bringing Laf was one of our best decisions ever."

"Oh yeah, he's a lot these days."

"It's only going to get worse."

"I know." I sighed, envisioning the teenage years that were coming and regretting ever law and debate tactic I'd ever taught him.

I was quick to throw my hair up into a towel, not wanting it to touch my neck and John went into the room to dress himself.

"Let's go down to the bar." He suggested.

"I have never loved you more than in this moment." I sighed a breath of relief, coming out to dress myself.

"Figure we get you drunk on rum, I make you come, life's good." He was dressed in linen and looked amazing as he toweled out his hair.

"And all these years you let me believe that I was the one with a way with words."

"I have to find some way to keep things exciting, don't I?"

"I suppose you do." I dressed myself.

"Damn, you look good. Think the guys are alright?"

"More than alright."

"I'm going to text Laf. Let him know we're out."

We rode the elevator down to the bar in the hotel and I cringed each time a drop of water rolled from my ponytail to the nape of my neck.

I ordered our drinks and we sat close, knees brushing on the high stools. For the first time in a while, we got to just be with one another, I drank my first drink quickly and started to feel like myself by the time I was through with ordering the next round. John was still as beautiful as he was the day I met him out at lunch as a chore for Adams. The corners of his eyes were crinklier and his forehead kept more creases, but he was still so gorgeous. I was certain that I was staring at him, but I couldn't make myself care.

"Feeling better, aren't you?" He gave me that crooked smile and I melted.

"Getting there." I confessed.

"I'm sorry this trip is so hard on you." He brushed my arm with his fingertips and I felt giddy and nervous, like I had when we'd first started dating.

"It's okay, I think I really did need it… I've been carrying this shit around too fucking long."

"You have." He agreed.

We stayed in the bar until they closed and with each passing drink John grew more beautiful, not in the way that alcohol made strangers in bars more beautiful. No, John grew more beautiful as each drink washed away more of my bullshit, I stopped thinking about the work I was neglecting, about Burr, about Thea, about what it would be like as Philip became hormonal, the island, the island, the island, the island, the water, and started being able to actually focus on him. Completely and totally him, just my John.

I leaned into him more quickly than I was expecting, he caught me, both of us giggling like schoolgirls. John clumsily unlocked our door, both of us shushing the other. Clothing was discarded haphazardly and our mouths were on one another. Greedy. Full of want. I had to have him.

"John," I breathed in his sweet hair, "gotta fuck you."

"Please, babe, please." He was on the bed, nodding.

I glanced at the side table where only my glasses were sitting, "where's the lube?"

"In your bag, right?"

"I didn't put it in there, you packed everything."

"Damn, Alex." He was nearly pouting.

"Fuck it." I was between his legs.

John leaned up on his elbows and kissed at my chest, leaving a trail of nibbles across it. The world was diagonal from drinking, I spat gracelessly in my hand like a teenager and started working him open. He was warm and wanting, whimpering in the sheets.

"Alex, please, I need you, please, babe?" He was staring up at me with those irresistible doe eyes.

I lathered myself in the rest of my own spit and slowly entered him. He hissed softly.

"Sorry, querido, I wish we had something better."

"No, it's okay, it's fine, I just need you."

"I'm all yours, I'm here." I leaned down over the top of him and kissed him softly as he started to relax around me.

It was torture, feeling his muscles accept my invasion and not moving deeper within him. He started to whine, rolling his hips.

"You like that, don't you?" I asked him.

"I like it. Need it."

"You want me to fuck you, John?"

"Please."

I started to move, rolling my hips, pressing deeper. His knees were at either side of my hips, squeezing into me.

"So sexy. I love you so much, querido. Mi vida."

"I love you too, Alex. I love you so much."

I pressed somehow deeper into him and groaned at the sensation. I'd wanted this all night and having it was somehow sweeter than I'd anticipated. We moved in tandem, knowing our roles, the steps to this dance. It never made sense to me how so many people complained of sex getting boring. It only got better with time. We knew each other so well, so intimately. We weren't shy with one another, no, our lovemaking was complex and intense, it was a recipe that we'd spent ten years perfecting, boring wasn't even in the vernacular.

"'Lex," he was panting and gripped my biceps, I took the cue to still myself, hovering near his prostate and let him rock back and forth to stroke it.

I was vaguely aware of his phone buzzing from somewhere in the room.

His grip of my arms tightened and he cried out before remembering himself and clamped his mouth shut hard with a clack of teeth on teeth. He came spurting between us and I could help but to watch him come. That part would never lose its appeal.

I wiped sweat from his brow and started to move again, enjoying him spent and writhing beneath me. It wasn't long before I was coming quick inside him. Once the waves subsided I dropped my forehead against his perfect chest and panted.

"Incredible as usual." He smiled up at me.

I helped clean him up while singing his praises. He pulled his phone out of his pants pocket having heard it as well.

"Whoops." He grinned lopsidedly, still feeling the drink.

I squinted through the alcohol and my typical blindness to see the message, **shut up.**

"Whoops." I chuckled at Laf's message, not realizing either how loud we'd been or how thin the walls were.

John quickly fell asleep in my arms, but I stayed awake. Sleep wouldn't come so easily on the island. I was sure of it. After nearly an hour and a half, I slipped away from John and clothed myself, stepping into my sandals and then quietly left the room. Why had I thought that this place was a good idea? If we wanted to get away we could have just gone to Charleston like usual. How could this have ever been a good idea?

The elevator deposited me in the lobby and I nodded to the doorman on my way through the doors out to the street. The beach was just around the hotel. It was dark, but the water was still visible in the light of the waning moon. More than that, it was audible. I walked closer to the water and listened to the tide drowning out the call of the coquis. I sat in the sand and watched the water move. I was sentinel. The water couldn't hurt my family if I just kept watch over it.

 _Jesus, Alexander, more of this shit? It's been years. You've been over it for years… so, really?_

I was so tired of feeling this way. The rum that lingered in my blood just left me feeling raw. I picked up handfuls of sand and let them fall through my fingers. The sounds of the waves and the coquis grew louder. Tears dampened my face, snot leaking from my nose. I let myself cry in a disgusting mess, the sound being carried away on the surf.

"Mamá? I miss you so much. I hope that you're proud of me. I have such a good life now. Better than I ever should have had. Better than I have any right to have. My son, my son is my whole life, I have never loved anything or anyone like I love that little boy… and my John, my John is my everything, he's so good. He has the sweetest heart, he is the kindest man. I don't deserve him. I'm so loved, I don't deserve it. I don't. I shouldn't be anything, I shouldn't be a lawyer, a husband, a father, I don't deserve all this good." I was talking to my mother, but stared out at the tides moving back and forth across the horizon line.

I didn't hear John walk up. He sat behind me and pulled me back against his chest. I quickly wiped my face, trying to pull myself together as if I hadn't completely fallen to pieces.

"What is it about me sleeping on vacation that makes you want to go and start fights with the sea, hmm?" He wrapped his arms around me and kissed the top of my head.

I let myself be vulnerable and be held and nurtured by him, the fight was out of me.

"I just don't want you to see me like this," I wiped my face again, "I hate it when you see me like this."

"I love you no matter what." He leaned around me to look me in the face.

"I know." _I did know._

"Did you win your argument?"

"What do you mean?"

"Whatever you came out here to fight the ocean about, did you win?"

"I don't know. I don't think I can win. How'd you find me out here?"

"I know you, babe."

"Guess so. Sorry. You were supposed to be asleep."

"I realized you were gone and I wanted to come find you."

"Here I am." I sighed, feeling worse because he'd had to get up and come find my ass.

"You want to come inside?"

"I guess so."

We made it back inside and John let me hold him, I wanted to retain some shred of my masculinity.

"I'm still having a wonderful time." He said, almost defiantly.

"So am I." I agreed.

I covered us up with the blankets and felt him pull my hair free from its ponytail and start to play with it.

"It's going to be a great trip, 'Lex." He promised.


	12. Chapter 12

"Can we jump in?" Philip asked, standing at the edge of the short cliff we'd found, I fought everything within me not to pull him back from the edge.

"Hold on, let daddy find out." John walked carefully around the cliff down to the water, climbed in and then disappeared diving down.

I lost sight of him in the water but he was okay, he was safe, he was a good swimmer.

When John came up he flashed a thumbs up to Philip. Beside me, Lafayette pulled off his shirt and unbuckled his Tevas.

"Ready to jump in?" Laf squeezed Philip's shoulder.

"Yeah! Let's go!" Pip was barely able to contain his excitement.

The two of them jumped over the cliff and made a huge splash. Philip surfaced quickly and John held on to him as he got his bearings. Everything was okay, Lafayette was okay, too. Everyone was safe.

"Come on in, papi!" Philip called to me.

"Not now, hijo. Have fun!" I smiled at the three of them in the water and waved to my son.

"Daddy are you gonna jump in?"

"You want me to?" John asked our boy.

Philip nodded vigorously and John pushed himself out of the water and climbed back up the rocks, the muscles in his calves flexing as he deftly maneuvered up the cliff, I couldn't help but stare.

"Hi honey, you doing okay up here?" John kissed me delicately, I watched water droplets fly off of his long eyelashes as he blinked, completely enamored by him.

"I'm fine, you guys have fun."

"Okay, love you, you can dip your feet over the edge if you want."

I kissed him a second chaste peck and nodded.

"Come on, daddy!" Philip shouted.

"Alright, ready?" John called back down to them.

I smiled at watching them all having fun together. John poised himself and dove headfirst over the cliff. The suspense of waiting for him to surface leaving me tense.

"Whoa!" Philip gasped, swimming over to John.

I watched a while longer as they splashed and played, going just out of earshot of me to where the cliff was slightly submerged and they could sit and giggle and splash around, enjoying themselves. _Life is hard. Life is scary and painful and shitty, but it can be good, it can be shared with people you love._ I wanted my son to believe this, I wanted him to believe that more than anything. If he was going to learn that he needed to have it modeled and he wouldn't learn it with me lame and scared on a fucking cliff in a rainforest. With that in mind I tied my hair back and pulled off my shirt and sandals, moved to the edge of the cliff and steepled my fingers over my head.

 _Deep breaths._ The water was cool and refreshing as I dove into it seamlessly, hardly making a splash. It was deep but I made myself come to the surface. Philip was giggling and swam to me.

"Papi! You're swimming!"

"I know, hijo. It's fun, isn't it?"

"It's so fun to me, but you don't like to swim."

"It's not my favourite, no, but I wanted to be with you. Being with you and daddy and oncle Laf is way more important than not liking silly, old water."

"I didn't know you could dive." He sighed like I was the coolest person he'd ever encountered.

I nodded and John cut in, "papi's probably the best swimmer in the whole family."

"Really?" Philip asked in wide eyed wonder.

John nodded, prompting Philip to challenge him to swimming contests. Lafayette and I sat along the rocky edge where the water spilled over, creating a small waterfall.

"Well done." Laf smiled at me.

"Man, I just want to be a good dad. Shit never gets easier."

"You did it even though you were afraid." He said, almost more like he was telling himself.

"Yeah… I guess."

Lafayette plucked a flower growing on a vine that covered the rocks and stared at it thoughtfully, "Herc and I have had an adoption packet sitting on our kitchen counter for the last two months, blank. We're too scared to fill it out."

"Congratulations. It's scary as fuck. That part's true. You tell John yet?"

"Yeah… you two make it seem so easy. I'm sure Jack thinks I am an idiot for not just filling out the packet."

"Nah, John's a freak of nature like that, he knew what he wanted immediately and then we got Pip almost right away. I didn't even have a chance to breathe. It's not… always that smooth." I thought back on the year I'd spent in the foster care system.

"Herc's just still gone so much."

"It's hard. It was really hard when John had to go on assignment."

"I know." He smirked at me, Lafayette had been my rock through that time, so much that we still called our spare bedroom 'Laf's Room.'

"I… probably don't say it enough, but we're so lucky to have you."

"You say it enough," he smiled, "there's nowhere else I'd rather be. That's part of what scares me. I've been your tagalong for so long, if Hercules and I have children it won't be the same."

"I wouldn't worry too much, besides, then we could return the favour, start a proper hippie commune just like John's always joking about. And hey, if you need some eyes on paperwork… it is sort of my job. I know how daunting those packets are."

"I appreciate it."

Philip ended our conversation by splashing over to us.

"I'm probably the better swimmer, but it's hard to tell. I mean once I get my grown up body I'll definitely be better."

We all played in the water for a little while longer and then dried off and continued our hike, the undercurrent of coquis helping to set our pace.

"It's loud like home here," Philip mused, falling back from walking up front with John and taking my hand.

His little hand in mine was somehow so reassuring, "it kind of is, isn't it?"

"Yeah, but there's more cool things to look at here, but New York has more cool people to look at."

"That's true."

"Am I from here like you, papi?"

"No, baby, you were born in New York."

"I wish I could be from Puerto Rico."

"You're my kid, that's close enough."

He grinned up at me, "I like the birds here, too, papi. They're so pretty."

"Lots of pretty cool animals."

"I don't ever want to go home. Maybe when I'm big I can live here."

I thought about the hurricanes that tore through the island, leaving death and destruction in their wake, "you have plenty of time to figure out where you want to live."

"Yeah, but I bet Thea would really like it here. I wonder how she's doing. I hope she isn't too sad."

"I'm sure daddy will let you give her a call, maybe tomorrow."

"I want to talk to her. I have to make sure she's okay. She's my girl, she's my best friend in the whole world. I bet it's weird to have your mom die. I guess it's good I don't have a mom, 'cause then my mom can't die."

That hung in the air between us as we walked since I didn't know what to say. I knew too much about mothers dying and I was grateful that Philip would never go through what I had, but I knew that someday, hopefully not for a very long time, he would have to deal with mine and John's deaths, I hoped that someone would care for him at that time as much as he cared about Thea now.

By the time we were back at the car John was carrying Philip and Lafayette and I were talking legal paperwork, everyone feeling exhausted from the hike. Lafayette got Philip some snacks that we'd brought along, enough to tide him over until we figured out what we'd have for dinner.

John was starting to get more comfortable on the roads here, with my translating signs to him and he settled in for the road trip we had back to our hotel. By the time we were on the highway both Lafayette and Philip were asleep, heads resting on each other. _Lafayette would make a great dad._ John handed me his phone to snap a picture.

"I'm awfully proud of you for getting in the water earlier." He told me.

"Well, I'm tired of missing out, especially when I make myself miss out."

"We're glad to have you."

I smiled, but wanted to change the subject, "I think we're in for another quiet night with these guys."

"We'll have to try and be better at that whole quiet thing tonight."

"I'm blaming you."

"Well, that's fair, though, honestly, it was probably the headboard that gave it away, so that one's on you."

"Not true," I countered, "you're very active, writhing and maneuvering under me, it could have been you rocking the headboard just as easily."

"We'll see." He gave me a look that almost made his statement sound like a promise.

Back in town, after waking up the backseat passengers we walked to a restaurant on the corner and sat outside to eat, Philip eager to practice more Spanish while Lafayette and John shared befuddled expressions. The shrimp soup I ordered came with long, thin slices of avocado on top and I handed one to Philip. He eagerly ate it and made the happiest face I'd ever seen.

"It's so tasty, papi!"

"Don't they taste better here?"

He nodded, "avocado is my favourite."

"Always has been." John tucked a stray curl back away from Philip's face.

"Because papi likes avocado so he'd give it to me."

"Yup, ever since you were little."

Lafayette shook his head, "avocados taste like wet grass."

"That's where you're wrong." I disagreed.

"I find it amusing that the french word for lawyer is the same as avocado." Lafayette chuckled to himself.

"It's very on brand for him," John shrugged.

"Papi's an avocado!" Philip giggled.

"Pretty silly, right?" I smirked, starting to eat the rest of my soup.

"What if avocados needed a lawyer?"

"Then papi would be the best guy for the case." John grinned.

Once we were all content and full we found ourselves back in our hotel rooms to shower. John poked his head in while I was taking my shower.

"I'm going over to the boys' room, okay, babe?"

I blew water away from my mouth, "okay, be there soon."

He shut the door behind him and I hurried to finish the rest of my shower. I dressed and then made my way to the other room where the three of them were piled onto one of the beds. Lafayette braided Philip's hair while John rubbed his knee which I imagined was sore from the day's activities.

"What are you guys up to?" I asked.

"Watching a movie." Philip informed me.

"What movie?" I glanced on the screen, recognizing Black Widow, but unable to place which film in the decade long franchise it was.

"Winter Soldier." John added.

"Daddy told Laf it's the story of how you guys met."

"Daddy's silly." I rolled my eyes.

"Oh, don't for a minute tell me you're not Bucky." John laughed.

"How am I Bucky?"

"You're Bucky." Lafayette confirmed flatly.

"I never tried to kill you."

"If looks could kill." John grinned.

"Whatever, that just makes you good boy Steve."

"Right!" Lafayette stared up at the ceiling as if it were obvious, Philip's long hair still in his hands.

"You're not _that_ perfect." I teased, joining them all on the bed, curling up in John's lap and taking over massaging his knee.

"How come he's called Captain _America,_ but his costume looks like the Puerto Rican flag?" Philip asked.

"Because they had inaccurate costumers?" John questioned.

"No, it's because our flag is super cool." I pointed out.

"That's true." It was good enough for Philip.

"Look at this, Bucky's all, 'I don't know you,' that's totally you." John observed as the characters on screen fought.

"I mean, maybe."

"It's the hair, too, papi."

"What?" That's not a good reason, daddy has long hair, too."

"But his is curly."

"Oh, and hey, daddy's way closer to having a metal limb than me. Ha! Beat that." I patted his knee to make my point, thinking about the pins inside it.

"You're all missing the point." Lafayette said in exasperation, looping a hair tie around the end of Philip's braid.

"What's the point?" John questioned.

"That Jack has a crush on Winter Soldier."

I glanced back at John to see him turn a shade of red, "well, I mean… I have a thing for… bad boys… who… are jerks at first and speak different languages?"

"Bucky _is_ really cute, daddy, they're just mean to you… He's not as cute as Gamora, but since green people aren't real, he's a cute real person." Philip stood up for his daddy.

"Being with a jerk worked out for you, so I guess I'll take it." I leaned back and kissed John's cheek before continuing to rub his knee.

"Who's Laf?" Philip asked, hair done, coming to curl up between Laf and John and I.

"Yeah, who am I?" Laf questioned.

"Maybe he could be Black Widow because him and daddy are besties?" Philip suggested.

"That's a good thought, Pip." John agreed.

"You know, I always thought of myself as more of an Iron Man." I pointed out.

"You're totally Iron Man!" John laughed.

"Because you have the same beard." Philip decided.

"And because you have to be right in every single situation even when you're clearly wrong." John teased, poking me.

"Okay, okay, jeez. I'll take Bucky."

"Uncle Herc is Shuri." Philip announced.

"Why's that?" Laf asked him.

"'Cause she makes the cool cool suits for Black Panther which is like fashion!"

We all agreed that that was a good point.

By the end of the movie Philip was asleep in the middle of the bed. We let the HBO marathon continue to Captain America: Civil War and all got to have blessed adult time, something we hadn't had a chance to give to Laf, our built in babysitter.

"When we get back I am going to fill out the paperwork." Laf told us.

"Finally," John let his head drop against the headboard in exasperation.

"Querido, be nice." I whispered, rolling to my other side against his chest so that I could face Lafayette and Philip.

"Are you telling _me_ to be nice?" He wrapped his arms around my waist and kissed my cheek.

I nodded with a smirk.

"Thank you for defending me, Alex." Laf pouted playfully.

"Oh, while we're at it, how are you the one who doesn't have a problem with Pip watching superhero movies?"

"He knows it isn't real and there's not really any sex stuff. Come on, he's a mixed child of gay parents, we have to give him a chance at common ground in school."

"But I feed him french fries as a baby and he's going to get diabetes?" I teased back, getting up and going to the mini bar to mix the three of us drinks.

"Oh, yeah, absolutely." John stood by his convictions.

"You're ridiculous," I handed them both drinks and took a sip of my own, "ready for all this, Laf?"

He blew out a breath and pulled one of his ringlets out straight absentmindedly, "goodness… when you put it that way."

"It's the best though, really." John beamed like he usually did when talking about Philip.

"You really won't sleep for the first year, though, so be ready." I warned.

"And you won't really have sex the first year, either." John added.

"We made it work," I reminded him.

"It was mostly make up sex."

"What can I say, sometimes it's fun to rile you up, you get spunkier." I chuckled and sipped my rum.

John gasped and shook his head at me.

"God, if you two barely had sex then there's no hope for me, you two get more than me at sixteen." Laf grumbled.

"Everyone gets more than you at sixteen, braces." John ribbed.

"Hey, I… that's not fair… the accent helped."

"I'm sure it did once they got past the hair and the acne and the gangly knees and elbows."

Lafayette rolled his eyes and preened himself, "it worked out, I got hot."

"Hmm… sure, whatever Herc tells you."

"Alex, will you please tell your husband that I got hot?"

I downed the rest of my rum, "oh, no, I'm staying out of this one."

With that, I slipped away from John's lap and picked up Philip, he was getting so big, and tucked him into the other bed, pulling the covers over him.

"Night, papi," he mumbled, settling in.

"Night, hijo, te amo," I turned back to John and Lafayette on the other bed, "alright, you gentlemen can keep bickering, I'm going to go and get some work done."

"Goodnight, Alex," Lafayette waved.

"I'll be there soon, babe, love you."

I kissed John's forehead, "love you, too, amante."

In our room I lounged on the bed with my laptop and started to work on the case that Burr and I were both ignoring. My chest panged when I thought about Burr and little Thea. It was late, after midnight, but I still texted him.

 **Just checking in on you and Thea.**

In the time between my text going out and his coming in I'd written half a page of notes to use in the courtroom.

 **Hanging in there, nights seem longer. Just got Thea down. She's been asking after Philip.**

I smiled at my phone, glad that even if we could hardly see eye to eye that at least our kids had each other.

 **Philip too. We'll be home next week, maybe we can set something up.**

It took effort for me to extend an offer to Burr, it was never my strong suit to be particularly friendly to him, but he needed it, his daughter needed it.

 **I'm sure the kids would like that. Thank you for checking on us, Alexander. Give John and Philip our best.**

"Who are you talking to?" John sauntered over to the bed, pulling his t-shirt off in the process.

"Burr?" I winced, shocked to hear myself say it out loud.

"Damn, is that my 'Lex showing compassion?"

"Remember, don't stare directly at it or it will go away."

"Right, right, well, anyway, you still working?"

I pushed my glasses onto the top of my head, "I could probably be done."

"Oh, yeah?" his fingers walked up my arm.

"Trying to shake the headboard?"

"You know it."

Not needing anymore of an invitation I folded my laptop shut and set my glasses along with my paperwork on the bedside table. I shed my shirt and pulled John into my arms, the thought of Aaron all alone still clinging to my conscience, I was so grateful to have John.

"Gotta say, it was hot that you swam with us today." John traced through the hair on my chest.

"You may have mentioned that. You liked it?" I smirked, knowing the answer.

"Yeah," his lips were at my jaw, suckling lightly, setting me on fire.

"Just wanted to be with you."

"It's sexy when you're brave."

I tilted his chin, just forcefully enough to excite him, earning me a gasp, "who wouldn't want to be brave to impress you?"

He bit his lip and felt his way down my body to the waistband of my pants, "'Lex."

"What do you want, querido?"

"I want to make Laf text us to be quiet."

"I can arrange that." I flipped to position myself on top of him and pinned his arms over his head, watching him continue to bite his lip.

"What are you going to do to me?" He had mischief in his voice.

"I'm not sure yet, torment you some, certainly, but what then? And how to proceed in the meantime?"

I started by kissing over each of the freckles on his chest, letting my hair fall over my shoulders.

"Alex." He panted.

"Shh… quiet. I haven't even started."

His little gasps were inspiration enough to take his nipple into my mouth and roll it between my teeth until it hardened. His hands fought mine where they still held his wrists.

"Let me go, I want to touch you back." He begged, all part of the schtick, deep inside we both knew he was stronger than me and could get out if he wanted to.

"Not a chance in hell. I like you desperate." I moved to the other nipple and felt how hard he was between us.

"Alex, quit teasing, please… please touch me."

"Touch you?" You want touch?" I sat up and bit my lip.

"Please." He nodded vigorously.

I let his wrists free, but he kept them in place obediently. My eyes raked over the planes of his body until they'd had their fill and I moved his shorts down his legs, letting his cock hit the air. John's hips rolled, seeking any friction. My hands gripped either of his hips, putting an end to his keening and I bent over him, taking him into my mouth, he moaned a soft cry and his hands sprang to my hair.

"Alex. Alex, please, give it to me?"

I pulled away from him at this, "you don't want me to just warm your cock all night?" I quirked a brow at him and he shook his head.

"No, I need to feel you."

I leaned close to his ear, "anything for mi vida."

The tiny, shaky breaths he let out were a drug to me and I poked two of my fingers into his mouth, watching hooks cheeks hollow as he sucked on them, dampening them thoroughly. I used those fingers to start working him open and he leaned up on his forearms to drop his head against my shoulder.

"That feels so good, Alex." John whispered, likely not trusting his voice otherwise.

He dropped a hand down to stroke my length and I bit down hard on my lip.

"I know you like it. Your ass is so perfect, Jack. So tight, toned, round, god, I love looking at it right after you get out of the water when your shorts cling to it. You always know how to get me so fucking hard, amante."

He was panting with every breath now and I lined myself up to press into him. John hooked his ankles behind me and his eyes rolled back as I entered him slowly, still massaging over the tight muscle with my thumb, giving him no choice but to relax. His arms flung out and gripped the pillows hard.

"Alex," he keened once I'd reached my depth.

"I'm gonna give it all to you, querido."

My pace picked up and I held him in place by his hips, each thrust striking somehow deeper than the last.

"I've been so hard for you today." He whispered.

"I know, I've been watching." I promised, reaching between us to stroke him.

"Need you deeper."

I shook my head and smirked, and pulled back slightly, this was the perfect time to tease him, "no, not yet."

His giant, doe's eyes swam with need as he rocked back and forth, wanting me against his prostate. John's hands found my hips and gripped them, trying in vain to pull me deeper. My short, shallow strokes only served to frustrate him, his lips forming an o as his eyebrows came together in disappointment.

This worked for me, getting to take him, feeling his ass clutching me, tight ring of muscle giving me ample friction to play with, I was only careful not to spend myself yet, not wanting to leave him unsatisfied for long.

"Please, sugar, please, I'm begging you."

"You can keep begging all you want. Please do, turns me on."

His face turned more desperate, freckles standing out even more than they had been, his full lips pouting.

"What'll it take? I'll do anything for you. I'll be good for you."

I stroked his hair off his sweaty forehead, "you're so good already, my love," and with that I ceded my plight against him, thrusting deeply and letting him play against the friction.

John pulled me down by the neck and kissed me frantically, hips rolling and working me against every sacred spot within him. I kept my focus on him, his hazel eyes staring up at me, his lips parted. _So beautiful._

"What?" He panted, catching me staring.

I thrust deeper, giving him more to play off of, "I just love you."

My admission sent him reeling, coming between us, muffling his cries against my shoulder, nails biting into my shoulder. Only a few thrusts later and I was following his ecstasy with my own. We stayed holding each other tightly like that, coming to, panting, sweating.

"Babe… that was… spectacular." John grinned lazily as I pulled myself free and cleaned us both up.

"Glad to be of service, querido."

"You always are, now come here."

I smiled and obeyed, tucking him into my chest, fingers trailing through his hair, loosening the tangles I found.


End file.
